i hate

how nothing is the same as it was a while back
i have nothing that i can truely count on as knowing
or recognising
or feeling safe in
and truth be told it scares the shit out of me
how people can change so much
tastes can change so much
opinions and beliefs can change so much

is it so fucking wrong that i want to start everything over again
cause if i can introduce myself as a new person
not the person that carries all old mistakes, regrets and memories
something will have changed
its will just be different, the truth as it is now
constistant
i can learn to live a new way
how i want now
blowing your face up syndrome baby
you can make up your past for all i care dollface
'hi i used to be [insert lie]'
as long as the present is right
the futures gonna fit in the end
and you can keep running every time somehting changes
to spare your self from pretending
and explaining
moving on
and letting go
xo

........

just pack your fucking bags and leave
leave to anywhere your sacred money can get you
it could be as dark and black as the canvassing eyes he closes
but it sure as hell contains a little more electric than where you are
along with the 'mess of insecurities', and the confusment of your very own mind
you can only find comfort in the things, the places, the people you really know you shouldnt
and anything that could fix things for longer than a heartbeat
well they are busy
and its blatent that they dont care
and if they do, they cant hear
they're picture fucking perfect lifes create a loud hum that fills their hearing ranges
no your stuck babydoll
youve known it for a while
nowhere to go, where your ats fucking unbearable
convince me its worth it
go on i fucking dare you
bet youd love that baby
look if im gonna live for the future, the futures gotta be fresh
and its not. theres nothing i can do about it
as much my fault as ' its not my fault i make plans every night' thanks a fucking lot my sister
mmhum
shut off the neon lights they are sucking away my soula nd vibe
xo

sweetie dont cry i know

that icy cold barrier or salty water fall in front of me, forged by tears
its pentrable but a charge of energy just behind it spikes my fingers past
only amounts of alcohol, panic attacks and grimy alleys break that charge and for an hour let me cling on, just untill i know things are going to be safe for at least a night. then the tears dry up and even my breath cant reach you
your not fucking alone
your not the only fucking one
yes you have specifics
but its like some fucking formula that you fit in
your not misunderstood
and its not okay to keep on running
i thought we had that down
this is so fucking blatent
and yes it is your own fault
it wasnt to start off with
but it is now
we all do it honey
cling onto it becuase it makes us feel we have a reason to feel like this
babydoll, i fucking understand
remember that okay
and 'to write love on her [fucking] arms'
have a little faith
please
just this once
you know everything you need to save you
and you want everything so fucking bad
but theres one fucking second where you think no, this is what makes me alive
and babydoll... everyone has that to an extent
and you may just be the reason i have lost so many things
but friends fucking stick around when they are pushed away
just incase you trip and fall faster
we can stop you from cracking your fucking head
bear that in mind dollface
its fucking manipulation
its fucking murder
its rape
its discrimination
and its just more medical fees
this is never getting to you
this is my way of 'giving you space'
its up to you to decide if your gonna let me
if you truely want it
but even if i break a fucking ankle your not gonna crack your head
im already scratched and shaking
its fucking unrequited
non mutualistic
parasitic
story of our fucking lives
and im not angry
and i was blind before i saw what i saw
deaf before i heard what i heard
the worlds a tough place baby
every day just knocks you further into decay
until your 85 before your twenty
youve felt everything the world can give
and your loosing all your senses
slowly weakend by breathing
living is the slowest form of suicide
the sickest and the weakest and the most afraid stick it out
because they are afraid to loose anything they have
and baby im one of them
i never want to drag that salt into wounds [cliche]
babes ' the first cut is the deepest'
you truely wanna make things bad
?
didnt think so
the first step is as shakey as your last
the ones in the middle count just as much
please experience counts babydoll
and cause i believe in it so much
let us write love on your fucking arms
kay
xo

babydoll

how many times have you crushed someone and not even known
or been to caught up in yourself to care
dont pretend you dont regret it
that you think its okay
i know you know its not
or you should
ly
xo


I can see it in your eyes,you're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
And baby we can chase away these fears
Because sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose
[And] I'll run
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
[And] I'll run
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home
I can hear it in your voice, you care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
And baby I'm here to make this right
Because sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose
[And] I'll run
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
[And] I'll run
This is wear we both break free
I'll bring you home
Believe me and don't think twice
[And] don't leave me or say goodbye
Believe me, believe me tonight
If you have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
If you have a little faith in me



Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

some of my favorite lyrics ever
xo

and i

and i'm grateful for the strength of the coffee
how it stops me from shutting my eyes and handing over control
the heat how it burns past my tongue down my throat and anywhere further
and tis never cold enough and if it is it isnt hot enough

if i leave this fucking town, if i escape for just a week
i know theres a chance there will be no one waiting when i get back
cause the truth is no-one really cares
its the truth
and it makes me not want to care

seriosuly
no-one will be waiting
xo

humm

the light has left my eyes, they no longer reflect anymore
idont remember
no matter how much emotion anyone shows im not about to react
i promise
everythign is just empty i assure you
and i dont even blame anyone
i blame myself
for not knowing enough about the world to know that manipulators, users and abusers are the only ones who ever mean anything
' youve gotta learn to break her heart'
i dont feel a thing

beautiful regrets
xo

...

even words have preferences baby

and at that moment i am glad i wasnt alone

cause you wouldnt be the only one with a specific regret
xo

<3

theres one thing i need you to know:
no matter how close you hold someone
with the rain entangeling your hair, tears mixing in contrastingly warm against the equally stinging cold rain
regardless of how ever many times you whisper 'i love you' 'i'll never let go' reassurances under baited breath
hands clutching arms, waists and any available body part
it only lasts as long as the alcohol baby
the things that truely matter, that stick are the things you never share
how secretly you ponder ever word they ever wrote
you cry at night cause youre so daym scared, and you know your the only one
when youve said something it is oh so easy to forget, youve given it to someone else partitioned and divided the weight and the memorys as evidence, its less weight to forget.
yet we always share the good things
keep secret what we are ashamed of
scream what we cant take any more

and yes one night we find our selfs in a darkened graphitied alley
broken breath, promises that you wont promise
reassurance
it will go unmentioned but we meant every single fuck word
i hold myself to it
i may never say anymore ill never let go
but i love you for everything and anything you are
and i just hope you read this
even if you dont, this is my contract

and just for the only person who will read this


sugar that morning you thought you ripped me away from sleep
but darling you were wrong
you tore away so much more
a hope
a fear
and here is to not breathing for one more year

manipulation at its finest...with the best intention

clingingontomaybeliftyouhigher
ly
xo

ineverloved

baby lets just pretend you can hear this
lets just pretend you care
i never intended for this to kick off in such a way
i never predicted it would too
i never thought it would remain so unknown
that no-one would even guess
no, sugar look into my eyes, dont cry
such an urgancy leaving me quoting lines
never gonna be able to express this to you
all the misleading words and rumours
the constant replacing and changing
still searching for what we dont know exists
do not go cold on me doll face, dont you dare
so many times this has been done before
the floor of that plane has worn away
the footsteps grinding it into dust
floating through the over watched horizon
no this isnt poetry, just some well put together lines
dont loose control of your muscles darling
i promise you everything ive ever learnt
no exchange, no compromise
just pure unsucessful graditude and devotion
your pupils show cyclic endings
of no hope and war zone assasination
god never planned this corruptuion
if your even gonna believe in that
honey your pupils are dialating
just listen to this one last murmering breath
your gonna end before the winter
and dollface im not sure ill make it to fall
...xo

101 yeah mann

i have seen the beauty in the bleak cold and motionless
looking out of my window everything natural is grey or a different shade of grey
but fuck that i dont care its still fucking beautiful
everything manmade is artifical and colourful and flashing. everything man made leads to destruction and distaster so why then can the grey and bleak not mean perfection and safety
god everything before we touched it is fucking beautiful
we never realise it
this is one of those moments of clarity, where everything feels okay. sure im not sure about love,what it is., but im okay with that. my family a little mad and annoying they are fucking perfect as i could hope for. i may be in the wrong place but its the fucking right time. and everything that i have ever felt, its only gonna help me in future.
and i know the world is a mess of drug addicts, sex addicts, alcoholics gamblers etc. but no matter how much war there is , violence in our very streets theres gonna be something just 5 minutes or 10 years off that will make you think fuck this theres more.
nothing perfect
but there will be soemthing/someone thats pretty daym close to it
fuckthis:D
xo

terms of endearment coated in the sarcasm of ice cold wit

good afternoon young hollywoood...

doll face your a fool if you believe the imagery
its as fake as the time i traced the welts in my hand
if it was true, trust me you would have no fucking idea
the beauty of not knowing what to say for yourself
with the regained breathing of swirling letters
and the regular heart beating of the dead straght lines


the epitimy of nail biting and swolen knuckles and eyes



[distortion in internet arrogance(your complaints make this worse)]
oh and watch thoose fucking fingers
sweetie you dont know the extent of the lies
the waters pouring over my reflection
ive lost before 3am cause im already shaking
my eyes not quite closing, loosing sight

just a wide eyed blackend dreamer
self contained in insecurities
tell me you still hear me scream
when i sing through misconceptions


you still hear me scream




i will not be posting in here for a while that was only extracts im closing things up and writing old school paper for now
adios
xo


oh and happy 100 ive made it this far

...

theres something about wide eyes thats vunerablitiy innocence and naivity. does it really exist in our shattered hearts. more than the charred edges of a misshaped piece of wood.
im about to witness the sunset but i lost all the prettiest pictures

and its so hard to look at..almsot unbearable becuase the distorted mishapend reality

from the radiators that were misnamed but heat up our little hearts to the freezing icy cold that keeps our pens flowing and our fingers moving. the fat doesnt really keep you warm. im coming in at the worst angel and its true that even after all this time we're never gonna understand even ourselves. everything is so predictible yet fucking cloudy and unclear. so lets go the the concert of a band we used to love and bring back the feelings we once had, the jacket that stops us from shaking. we trust them yet run away in tears in the darkest hours. they make us feel so safe when theyd never read the late night scribblings of a broken girl whilst the sun is closing down and the night sky is open for business. thank you for letting me belive youd take me hand. what will come first the medication or whoevers gonna hold your trembling heart. for once lets hope we're gonna live a second longer. but none more than we want no matter what time it is or whos christmas lights are the most spectacular the computers still gonna light us up. keep us addicted
those ten minute symphonys are so pleasuring
and everything fades from blue to indigo to violet oh so quickly
and the increased noise of sharpened breathing stops us living for just a moment
i promise i loved it for the few weekes it lasted
and ive wrote my fucking brains and mouth and heart out
thanksforfuckingeverything
xo

just wait for me so far away

you wont see me in any colour for a few days now. simply because there isnt any need in a world so burnt and unrelfective. and ive been missing out on the sunsets because they are basically too early. my speach has been ineloquent and my walls so brightly harsh they burn way past my eyes into my heart and make everything so much darker. everythings just a story of new hair, new lowers and old feelings. i couldn't hold onto you even if i wanted to. so the glow sticks gonna get smeared onto our faces and for a few seconds its silent in the noisiest rooms our hearts beating our lung breathing. and we're not quiet sure. we're not sure if our best friends are gonna make it through tomorrow night. our old lovers are gonna stay sane and productive. ourselfs are every going to sleep without music to send us that way. then the music snaps back and our hands are covered in ink thats only evidence of where theyve been in our semi consiousness. they leav a trail that shows the scars on our fathers minds. the unspoken secrets and times we just couldnt leave the safety of our own rooms. and the music is screaming into our brains and its hurt so fucking badly but its slwoing our heart rates and sending us possibly to sleep. you cant blame me for panicking right now cause i think you would too. and if shes right on that very edge that youve read about so many times, heart about listened to. your gonna be so fucking scared. because the hardest part is you know youve been there too,,,and your still fighting to crawl away from it. its fucking hard
more truth is i'm sick of not being involved. to quote " im trying to participate" because thats all that i need right now. you mightlive through the drugs that fake life. but thats all it is fake life like your fake smile. and you couldnt make things feel real for me because your as flat as thoose little arms that brake the necks and shoot the heads. slef destructive and mutualistic its clear that tis ripping to shreds in neat and tidy lines. oh and i knwo someone will enjoy it just as much as me . and this aint what you think i can predict that as easily as meteorology as clear as a smile to the camera with fake bulbs your never gonna take notice. you never truely look and thats heart breaking. i know you never want to care. i know i have a few more years before i can predict my date of death. and i may be a fucking hypocrite beucase of what i preech to you but somehow it seems different out loud than in my head. fucking this hypocrisy.
and it may be all blakc but my jeans have faded to grey along with the outer city skys. the spelling has faded to white and nothign ranges off of the scale of black to white. the musics pausing again.
for real its broke my ashed out heart. the tears keep leaving our very eyes and nobodys knows. its gonna stay that way

for real i dont know where id be without you
xo

oh and it seems that everything i ever felt has been transfered onto her. and i dont feel anything for him [thats you to someone]

thatmotherfucker:D

i dont know if youll ever read this, but i sure as hell hope you do

this girl shes fucking amazing. contrary to her belief i know her pretty daym well. and maybe thats because we go through everything the same way. just completly different things. you had the last word but id rather have the infinite word. i'd never be ashamed to have known you and ill always be fucking proud of you. because your dealing with it. and someday twenty years from now ill be telling someone who might need my help " god daymn it there was this girl, fucking amazing the things she dealt with" because you have the power to make me cry. not many people can do that without being mean. you make me realise my regrets just by saying i shouldnt regret. and all the things i tell you not to belive and that are fucked up. alot of them deep down i hold so close.

god we are so fucking vunerable.
i could do with someone like you right now....but thats not your job.

thankyousofuckingmuch

ill never be ashamed of you because whenever you were aware you were there for me. you never intentionally let me down. im so fucking proud

and i normally dont write about my friends but this girl deserves it. truely
xo

the world feels like its dragging on so slowly your trapped in the times youd rather skip through. yet your rushing through everymoment sedated. youd rather feel nothing than let any feelings hurt you. youd rather skip everything important and miss out than let anything effect you. and to be perfectly honest you'll have one day where everythings right. your aware of the weather and how shit it is, how the wind is thrown at you and it sinks into your skin. how the air makes your eyes dry up and water all at the same time.your actually invincible. yet its the one time all week where you actually smile.and its voluntary, and you actually dont care about the things that have been circulating all around your conciousness, they just slip away... and everything is going so fast but your involved every second has so much depth and detail. but you loose the memories. one night youll miss that day and theres nothing you can truely hold onto. theres no commitment or any hints of promises. and when that night comes youll feel so alone. youll shake for hours. everything slows down. there are the people who used to comfort you, reassure you and even hold you and they make you wanna turn around and walk away and loose all composure. theres the ones who used to rely on you, to a certain extent, they distance themselfs so far away you have a huge void to think about unimportant mindless factors. and the ones who were guarenteed to make you smile, make you feel at home. they change so much your just an annoying old friend who doesnt want to be disrespectful. but maybe your the one whos changed.
but you feel so alone
"power corrupts ....aboslute power corrupts absoultly"
there will never be an answer. thats the one thing i can promise you. you might as well give up trying. {i might die for you, but that doesnt mean im gonna live for you}

you'll get off that train into a blank canvas. its not empty but its so clear, yet so distorted. they're still looking at you. but they are taking huge steps away.
they arent getting any smaller

this is the__________era
for real
xo

channel 7 at a quater to eight

with the white so blaring, and the music oh so calming... you'll always know how to cross that empty void. yet your so sunken down, sliced on the shards of his brittle heart. all the content is lost in a haze of paranoia and blurred vision.
as you walk out on that over dressed skylit scene, your dragging your hats and scarves and all the acessories of reverberating nightmares, the dreams you couldnt hold back from running after. chasing one insane phantasmagoric night .
your tears arent worth shit to you, taking everything for a one man battle truncated by your own eyeline.
goodgodletsbringthistoanend
)
xo

lateral thinking i guess

i think the thing thats always there is that they're always a fucking train wreck. a car crash. a burnt out engine on a plane. a sinking ship with no lifeboats. anything for fucking drama really. maybe my life lacks it so much that i cling onto anything and anyone thatgives me some dramatic distraction to focus on. im a sucker for drama, im a sucker for a sweet talker. anything so poetic...so tragic..so much poetic tragedie.
and for a few hours we both know that all we want is to be in someones arms, or to hold someone tight.threw those hours when then sky turns from blue to red to black. but society teaches us to fuck that and numb our beating hearts with sweat and rhymn.only a few are left with cadence from creativity
fucking decadence from the view from our bedroom window at 5 oclock in winter, west facing thankyouverymuch.fucking self indulgence from the deep contrast of a bonfire reflecting off of the glinting ocean onto the pitch black broken by sparkling stars.
suburbial sunrise onto lonely eyes.the one last fragement of hope left in the hearts of children and 'staying together for the kids' in the minds of their parents. dont give me that bullshit of 'the land of hope and glory' or 'the city of angels'. the smiles come from a fix of prozac,and painkillers to dullen a hangover. they look down at the discouraged faces of the suffering with hypocritical empathy. fuck that the camera always lies.
despondancy raging through the air sinking through the mouths and lungs of all that cling onto life.only to come out as faked words or half hearted songs.
you are the nation of manufactured bullshitters who over look what money cant buy. and that a low carb and high protein diet, isnt helping to save the world. the people who are supposed to be economically aware and competent spending money that could provide for a child for months on a dogs fucking collar. tell me you really care about stopping the wars or world peace. tell me that one fucking time.
its never going to leave me but its only haunting you. one more line to string together the minds of a nation. one more line to discourage the world. dont pretend that fear doesnt exist in your teenagers heart. dont suggest we arent angry for the things we used to support. dont even tell me one time that life wasnt better with naivety.
illneverfuckingletgo
honestly
xo

short cause i got to go

i know that somewhere, whereever you are your shaking and you cant stop. but why would you be able to stop, theres noone to look in your eyes and hold you tight enough to know its okay. i can just sense that there is no-one. and you know theres no point falling apart, because there'd be noone to put it bacxk together. no you're gonna wait till theres a saftey net with some sellotape, just to be sure it won't be the end. fuck knows why i know this, maybe its just the truth, i dont need to know why.
fuck that fucking lighter seriously ...that day you caught my eye and you never left my head, ive just been reminded
fucking be more accesable
it hurts a whole lot less
dont chase 12 year olds who are clinging on that the scene is gonna be better than the last. its not
god lets just make a new scene ...just me and you we'll start it. it will own
okay
dontletthefuckgo
xo

slow motion...

you'd better lie about anything that ever mattered to you because when you elt them know its like giving them your gun. no lie like no mother fucker know and tell them what you already have, thats blinding them. tell them the thing you have in abundance and is blocking space for real contentment.
secobnd chances are like giving someone the password to your defences. sleeping is for the living , insomnia is for the half dead- when you never shut your eyes you have made it to somewhere safe.sleeping is for the vunerable.
we need armour for sleep.
you'd pay for insanity. its a big conspiricy theory, hvaing your thoughts numbed is a bad thing. only because we'd all want it. we all hate life. it grows stronger with the loss of naiviety. so we just kill all other life.
over and out fuck face
yourtoowhoretocare
xo

more on myspace i guess:S

humm i realised i dont do well in present tense or whatever

i'm writing as far away from people as i know i can get. its my own place, i'm not gonna take you to it unless you're really special. its my own palce yet so many people pass through here. i'm constantly on edge just in case someone does come. i but llove it, its silent apart from the trickling water just inchese bellow my dangling feet. but i'm so scared of silence i block it out with my ipod. quietaphobe. i wont deny it. i came here to escape everyone but my fear shits me up so much i take my phone with me. yet i'll insist i am in my own world no-one knows where i am and youd have to be fucking speciall for me to take you here. and the thing i am most scared of when i tell a secret is the perosn wont actually care, because its making myself vunerable and that opened wall could stay open, broke for nothing. and it happens every fucking time.

god i fucking put myself out there just to be helped for one fucking night and you say you'll help but that is 10p of your time. you pretend you'll come back to help but you fucking never do. just tell me if you dont give a fuck. i'll find someone who really does in the end. i'll be my death but you didnt warn me about the bullets. no its not your fault but you never found out whose it was. dont go that far then walk home becuase its cold out. its always fucking cold out. its winter in manchester not summer in fucking vegas. and yeah i'm scared shit and not of you but you never rationalised me. oh but once you held me till i was breathing again. i saw the fear in your eyes but it was nothing to the aprehension in my head. 2nd person gets you nowher but flash backs and this shade of green is startng to look appealing (pen was green for the record). and my toes and arse are fucking numb but i dont care the friction of this pen is keeping me warm. ellis's fountain of knowledge. i dont wanna change back to safety like you. because what you do is so much more moral. at least im open to reality. your so life loving attitude its killing you inside, just like my ' i'm freinds with a stoner regime'. any song in the right setting with the right volume can be a lullabye as long as it has feeling. none of your manufactured shite. none of your lets fake it cause we're indie. the kdis are all fucked up every single one of them. so dont lie. right now i'm as invisible as i need to be and to be perfectly honest i couldnt remmeber hald the songs that have played into my ears the writinf has taken over and my spellings fucked and my hands are too munb for my handwriting to be consistant. i can probably see my primary school from here, ladies and gentlemen, if that hill wasnt in the way, but i wouldnt want to anyway. its just gone midday and i'm alreayd waiting for darkness to start creeping in. even here i cant escape the police sirens and over head helicopters fro my childhood dawnings that drop me in this societies reality. oh and here goes the acoustic one. however softly you sing the pains more apparent- they arent even your words. shame the guy with the emotion doesnt sound pretty. at least you dont look it. he fucking does. ive never met you but i spend my life with you. and just for the record the shaking is setting in. i have realised how much this sounds liek a goodbye( or an apology) but i can assure you its not. not that youd care. i pray it doesnt rain that would give me away and i know it. i dont wan that just yet. i would like you to know though not to come find me just to know but the look in my eyes or my tone of voice- my expression. and it must ahve been an hour and i'm not in your arms just to make that clear. rpetyt soon i'll get up. just not yet

notfuckingyet

xo

nothings changed...well not really, not deep down, not to the people who matter, the people who matter havent. what matters hasnt.
i miss the things that i never appriciated, the people i never told i cared about.
i miss sleepless nights and i love sleeping in clothes...dont ask why
i miss manchester, and how i feel on overly large planes where you can feel alone at that height above spread out citys and dazzling lights.
i might have said that before.i hate manchester now, and airports make me feel alone.
i miss how i've got a dark alley made me cry and lying is the most fun. i need to feel that again.
i want to visit too many places, but i havent seen enough in my hometown.i miss darkness with streetlights invading it, and the heavy feeling of rain running on me and splashing down onto the ground.
i miss new friends and i hate meeting new people.
i miss watching big brother and drinking coffee like a middle aged women
i'm already missing the student pantry=]

now i'm sat alone in my darkened room with the only light coming from my computer screen and my ipod in the speakers playing music from my computer, and those veyr same streetlights i see every night im in my room. i do lvoie to stare at.
i miss so much. of how things used to be i really do. theres one eprson who could remind me but. but its not ghoing to happen everyones changed on the outside at least. i miss the old obsessions and feelings and security. i hate the way things are now. i can only escape it with a few minutes. things have gone from laughing on the kitchen floor to sitting in a silence with so much tension its unbearable. from making an attempt and testing boundaries to running away from the underlying problems and the river of confusion that is running to fast masking everything that is the truth in the relaitonships. just give me one fucking weekend. or one fucking night. to relive it. thats all i need
fucking realise please.

ifuckingmissthis
xo
fuckyou. no really

suck my fuck

i'm actually sleeping , last night. and i hope i do tonight.
i'm happy. and its down to a few people. they are amazing. its fucking fascinating how if you take me out of the city with a group of people and give me a tray full of tiny insects to identify, i'll enjoy it. i won't lie.
on a long coach journey i start to think. about how much choice we have and how that creates dislikes and likes, and how when i have nothing else a mayfly will excite me.
seriously i'm fucking gfrateful for what some peoplehave done for me.
and now i'll return
ifuckingmissyou
xo

fuck

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in
Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running
Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping
Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and
Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping
Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for
Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing fo
rLike this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor
Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank
These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect
For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"
AmenAmenAmenAmenAmen
In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen
World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions
Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drug under a jeep
Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me
Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away
It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday
There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes
My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show
My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine
On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die
Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"
AmenAmenAmenAmenAmen
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
-hands held high~linkin park

is it wrong to feel so unhappy.
it is so bad to only feel safe when your sat alone where noone can see or hear you by a stream. where you can see and feel and hear everything
only if you want to
xo

creativity and cadence

heres the story, i'm just a little dedicated to your picture and your heart job,breathe, break, not leaving you in that starry town. to decay in candle light. i'll be your harlequen 'cause lets face it pretty lights and elaborate makeup keep you quiet. like smoke to the lungs, a pretty shade of jade. brightly enticing and destructive. you think your better smiling and show casing~ think your perfect laughing like caberrette.
deep purple nights. broken bottles carry me awya drifting...to your arms, pulling you by your hand. search me out for one stolen moment.
pretty faces, big mistakes, theres a reason for breathing deeply. cadence and fingerclicks you'll see the shining of their faces. if its a dream its not a lie.
"don't tell me i'm dreaming"
xo

bang

shut the fuck up
you lost
to an entirity of intoxity. of slander and lies. another night to hide. the cold is seeping in, your eyes are too open. you cant think of holding on just to rpety of black and grey
but you cant walk away tomorrow night. theyre at your fucking door. connect you to materialism and times you wanted more.
hes fucking beautiful~ reckless memory.
reach out~ dont let go
you fumbled at the battle or the fist or the line. fuck, body heat and close up eyes negate tonight. promiximity the fucking lifeboat underneath the lit nerth west streetlight. dancing in the chocking ashes. dreams of mid west and nevada. a night away from lights, where stars reflect in your eyes. four more years mixed with souless fights
tfl
xo

the kids are all fucked up

i really don't wanna sleep alone tonight. or ever again. but i lack the freedom and fullfillment that gets me out of my mind. i'm stuck in imagination that forces reality out of anything worth keeping. its a quiet thing that never leaves my head. and the sad songs feel pathetic, yet it replaces getting off or out. i dont have any eyes to look away from. or any arms to miss falling into.and i'm fucking jealous of the person who has someone they wait weeks to see. who has no credit because they have to text for contact. or the kid who gets bullshit from the parents of the one she loves. because they have something

fuck,iloveyou
xo

i still have faith in you. you still make me want to stand up and inspire thousands of people to do anythign that comes to my mind. anything that makes me want to do soemthing myself. or just soemthing that i hope people can feel. you make me feel something, you make me want to feel soemthing. you make me dream, want to pass on that dream and fill the heads of anyone loosing hope and give them one last hope. thank you for doing so much to help certian things and certain people. dont let us disbelive anymore
we know where you are, in the dark
it brings smiles to our faces
truefuckinglolve
xo

yeah

I LOVED YOU A WHOLE LOT MORE BEFORE YOU WERE A FUCKING [MYSPACE] WHORE(ironic huh?)~ as if you dont know
truefuckinglove
xo

winter,autumn

i can truely say its getting closer to winter and I'm unexplainably happy about it. the icy cold air on your face makes the sunlight indescribably warm on your face, it gives me chills, seriously. wake up the colour of the sky is enough to last me all night, nothing quite reaches the depth of your eyes, they keep me awake all week. so lets get fucked up and sit around a fire, along with the warmth of the alcohol i know we are going to be fine, just for one more night. for one more night we will sing the songs we know and keep the fears behind unopened lips, just one more night to fix whatever needs to restart. we cant hold back weapon in hand, we make out the line, between tomorrow morning and tomorrow night. one whole year and two more tears, dispersed by raindrops falling not quite heavily onto faces of total disparity. natural skylit colours are far more beautiful than the artifical glows, although i'd settle for that on your face too. halloween bonfire night [for us kids in england] and christmas. everything so full of warmth in a bitter cold climate, the times of kids, kids who rule the fancy dress, or the fucking streets. ending it all in a car park, take one for the team, you all know what i mean
truefuckinglove
holdontight
xo

me&you

i have a plan
someday we are gonna run away
for a week or just a day
we can hide away under a tree, a bridge anything, run away from the world
and what would go through your mind if i woke up next to you
sometimes running away is all you need
cause all you need is what your running away with
and what your leaving behind is what you wont regret.
can you seriously say that when your life goes to hell when its all over there will be nothing you have left behind. nothing left unfinished, noone left unloved, nothing left to say, nothing left to do, no regrets. just think for one more day whats left, the fact you are breathing means someone cares. and deep down you know it. you know someones eyes are watching you, you know someones arms are waiting for you to stumble and fall into. you just know it. you have lost how beautiful it feels to know it, but its still there. youve just forgotten.
so when we run away i know we are gonna come back
just when we have figured it out.
how to fix all those things or some of them.
you care, i know so.
find your fucking head
come back home
you'll find those fucking arms
truefuckinglove
xo
oh and www.invisiblechildren.com

by the way

me and my boy we're singing songs that we love without the lights on. move to the streets and under the bridge just another escape from the lives we live take me back straight to your home the place i love more than being here. tackle you down rest my head on yours on more kidd, one more time beside the lampost, illuminate your soul.
truemotherfuckinglove=]
xo

three men drinking games,

Can you remember I never fell for you, you just wernt in that zone, but now I recall the way your arms felt and your eyes sinking in mine. Unsteady breathing and f1 heart beating, you only fake walking away oh the art of faux pretension. I know your scars deeper than your heart , crawling away to be alone in yourself tears crashing into your eyes glacial photographs of memories waiting to be incinerated .and we’re waiting in line just to be forgot, queuing to not be around the lasting versions of our former selves. So awkward just as contempt. The music in your ears reflects drunken nights and distant city lights. 420 rooftops to go and 3 sunrises to reach that butterfly effect we lost. It happens a few times the paths make circles and the light turns to fog and your all alone again.

thismustbeit...truefuckinglove...meansconnectingyourwords=]
<3

LOL =]

to the tune of whats me age again?-blink 182


i went out it was a saturday night
we snuck around to get the feeling right
she took the shit out
and i got malibu
but then we started to get high
and thats about the time we acted like fools
everybody likes a stoner
and youve got drink to get pissed
theres nothing wrong with me
my friends say i should be straight edge
who the fuck is straight edge ?

random i know

i'm scared for you <3

she's wide eyed and scared of the world shes walking in. she falls in love with that boy from afar because he reminds her of the boy who still owns her broken heart hes well dressed and shes still unsure of what shes waiting in life for she knows theres something still theres something shes mroe desperate for than crashing waves and the lonely air from her dreams and she cant take her mind of that guy from afar the one with a lighter in his hand and a smile lost in his eyes.
xo

first try

you scrawled love fueled letters on walls, smudged out the past like water trickling on mirrrored glass, your lips tremble from the thought of open ended ocean with nothing blocking your way [out]

through night stars your eyes shine birght whatever you do your always saving me from myself as long as you stay, if your heart shatters you cna keep mine just dont walk away, try to hold her tonight, try to feel her lips one more time, her eyes blink away you've lost her smile and the suns setting on your open heart youre left on the warm sand and thats where youll sleep tonight, alone ecept the flickering fire waiting for the shimmering waves to wash it out

its the best i can do to keep my eyes dry from feeling oh so desperatly destructive for myself,

hold onto you tight to make the world spin by faster because alone its leaving us behind

everymemory i cant bear to keep ill throw it at you to see if you feel anything


shaped in the same way as a good-bye note but the size of an appology
truefuckinglove...in the most sincire way
xo

i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

Swerve your heart to avoid the pile up you come so close to joining. Your breathing is dancing too close to the edge of uncertainty. Prove one more time I’m setting myself up for jealousy. I've got petrol in one hand and a lighter in the other, I always knew which house I’m walking to. Scream I’m still crazy when you’re already faking your future. Block your ears from vibrations of apologies; slide your wrists out of the restraints that are forgiveness. Lying won’t save you from denying fashion. You can hit me with the spikes of your drunken memories, but hold the late nights in a titanium locked and carve this apology into stone its the last time I wont mean it. Someday my hands wont reach but my eyes will follow you to the floor.
xo

YOU WOULDNT KNOW A GOOD THING IF IT CAME UP AND SLIT YOUR THROAT

i wish you could be reading this, but lets face it theres no fucking way. you make me feel even to myself like a fucking pathetic needy whore. and the only people i need arent fucking around and i cant talk to them because i dont know their reactions. but deep down i wish there was someone who would notice and pull 'it' away and just look after me. youd be a fucking hypocrite wouldnt you. youd tell me to stop being so fucking pathetic and i dont know anything about feeling shit.why did you do it then? go on give me one good reason...even if you have been through shit in your life you did it becuase she fucking hates you. sound fucking familiar, it should. she still hates you. you fell for the one who doesnt return it. first chance it was soo superficial second time you fucked it up most probably now she hates you. and now this time she can do so much better and she probably knows it, i hope you know it. everyone was too good for you really. and now youll go through so many emptying 'iloveyou' of any value it has left. just remember i created SOME feeling with those words you never heard before, even if you fucking didnt feel the same. but then i wasnt good enough for you and to be perfectly honest i'm not good enough for you. i'm never good enough for anyone i want but at least i remember to feel for you. baby id stroke away the tears as they fall, they sting open wounds and scars you know. sometime ill be waiting and youll be left again just have the sense to come back to something thats at least friendship. i cant get rid of you as easily as you can get ride of me. youve sucked everythingfuckingmeaningful out of my emotions you fucking stole it. how many more things do you wanna steal. oh no not from me i wont let it happen.well maybe just one more time but not for long. go to someone else ill be happy as long as you always move back to my windowsil you can climb my fucking roof ill hold your hand and pull you through the window. i wont let go. and ill go outside onto the roof again and look at the stars. we might not have ment to be together but one things fucking certain we both sure love looking at the same sunsets and twilights.you cant deny it. and every baby that slips off my fingertips is filled with the spite that couldnt escape my vocal chords. the smell of metal is filling my head, one more time, but its not the last. oh no i can assure you from the corners of your dull eyes my glance will sink into the black holes in the center,all the way from across the room. from the moments where we obviosuly avoided our eyes crossing like lasers back to the moments where wed fight for one more second of contact. theres no point in wishing that the person behind those black and white keys will save me from the breathing youve taken away, but a late night with a pen and thoughtless words might just act on my heart like morphine. maybe...
xo

wish you were here

the pen moves over the paper like the ghost in your childhood nightmares but your hand grips it and drives it in an artistic direction.it flows like the river you can only dream of escaping to. a life that can only exist in the sleep that will not come. yet your moving to a far off place your head sinking into a pillow, eyes on a white like canvas page. and your past memories one by one drip into your emptyed mind, powering the need to keep the ink staining the paper
oh fuck its you again :)
xo

urgh

what am i supposed to say
but i cant can i i cant say a fucking thing because that means that once again youve prove what we both know that your a fuck load stronger than me, and that you dont need me but i need you. im thinking if you fucking care or owe me shit you should at least say hi anything
say anything
but i cant think of anything to say but i feel it coming in like the rain thats drifting in on the summer that was supposed to be so amazing its covering every hope of the sunshine-every hope of what i wanted.
and the sleep is drifitng away and where id talk to you i have noone its fucking pathetic i dont even know if your alive...really. and nobody had told me your not okay so i hve to trust you are, but that trust died the day we said nothing more than fuck you. no amount of kissing in the rain and escaping friends who misunderstand, or living in the twilight[your favorite time] can fix a broken heart. and i know your getting over your frist true love but cant you spend a minute to think about someone you once cared about alot .aparently but does that matter as much as when said i love you. and every step is more uncertan and more and more feelings, feeling that get mixed up in a blender with things i dont understand. and how can i not understand something that is basically what ive done.maybe if i could write things as poetically as i wish [ god i keep mentioning that] id be able to reread and fugure it out but idk the swiftly moving tide has to sweep back over again before i can at least take a shot at it
note to self i miss you terribly...
we still wont feel anybetter
xo

urgh

its like fighting some addiction
i am actually having to hold myself back
its fucking harder than id think
maybe im gonna get a new account btw
xo

for heaven sake

things are no different from when i last saw you
and i couldnt fucking breathe
xo

Dont blow your mother fucking composure

the sunset looks truely beautiful again
in the same way you used to look in my eyes
when your in love with someone[thing] it looks so much more beautiful
and the storm just contrasts so much and makes you look so much better
maybe thats why i feel so much like when i'm with you i could die and it wouldnt hurt anymore than it already did. oh and that door to your heart is always gonna be locked shut isnt it. you got over your first true love, but what if the red only makes my heart beat faster
and sometimes the public cant have what they want, cause that was happiness and lets face it thats just a conspiricy
thisheartitbeatsbeatsforonlyyou
and when this all goes to hell will you be able to say your sorry with a straight face
turns out you couldnt
xo

make you smile =[

i dont care if i know what i'm doing is wrong...destructive...non-progressive.blame me for only wanting to surround myself with people and things sunken back in my history and past, the things i can be invovled with without being brought back to the future. if i remember the past what it was like how it felt i can avoid feeling the future. because to be oh so perfectly honest the future is the source of all my problems. the past will always be their and i'm not going to forget but the future brings it to life and fuels it with meaning...gives me a reason to be afraid. and this could even be party stolen from i harry potter book i'm not sure anymore but we only fear dying because of the unknown so if we fear the unknown we most certainly fear the future as all it is so unknown, our only hope is the past is only the future with the lights on.and just for the record harry potter shares some of the same ideas as lullaby by chuck palahniuk. the most intellectual of sources arent always the most intellegent...insightful.
and if i was to leave my house tonight and just run away...from everything...i would find myself making the same mistakes, killing the same dreams...loosing the same friends. because do i truely ever learn from myself?
and you can look at something someone is doing that is completely positive and realise the sadness of the world. there are people stuck in lower social classes and people only claim to care. if they really did they wouldnt look in distaste when they saw 'the scum of the earth'. seriously there are charities campagning for just about every fault in the world and it wouldnt be necassary if the people who really have the power to make a difference could care. but has communism ever been sucessful?
if i really didnt care i could ignore everything i have no reason to respond...but maybe the fact i care enough to press a button and spend about 10p is enough to keep anything going. and i'm not talking about anything that changes anyones life anymore. time changes everything so things have to get worse or better
its all a game of this or that now vrs then better off against worse for wear amd you're someone who knows someone who knows someone i once knew i choose that,then,and worse for wear
honestly
you constantly rot my mind
xo

xo

you truely took my breath away once
you honestly stole words from my lips
you really camisado-ed my sorry ass heart
thats all im pretty angry at you right now
three cheers for the times weve spent[ thanks mayday parade] and i couldnt care less
i hope you had the mother fucking time of your life
[good riddance]
xo

to him...

i like you so much
this is for you
it doesnt mean much
but its more blatent than your other mentions which are mixed in with other shit
so yeah im fucking falling in love with you
ily
you know who you are
xo
xo
xo

long live the car crash hearts
cry on the couch till the poets come to life
long live the car crash heart you fuel the creativity the inspiration and the healing, you keep my poets coming to life. long live disaster. one day youll look back on it with fond memories
one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
baby you chased away my fears i may be crying becuase my emotions are hooked on someone else whos breaking me and left my heart still shattered but you make me feel okay again you made me smile. for longer than anyone else for a long time. you let me feel. real and love.
baby dont let go of me dont even look away i dreamed of the disaster seeping in and i can take any of it but leave me and the disaster wont interrupt the thougts in my mind, you could beat me till im black and blue, but youd still stay with me and give me anything i wanted i could survive...baby its a fact ... i dont wanna live without you...we could run untill we reached the ocean because after the first time i see you i wont be able to beat it easily ill have to escape with you to see the sunsetting over the ocean and ill have to live their in your arms becuase id never want to loose it. we could start a new life and nothing else would matter...as long as you dont look away.
someday tourists would come and intrude the peace we had built and all metaphorically you would turn and look away. and im not going to lie i know itsnever gonna happen baby...we cant escape and leave things behind but take a piano and a guitar and we can create the images and hold them in our hearts and minds. baby its a fact ive fallen for you i dont want to slip away...with every anxiety filled breath i take i take one step nearer to your open arms and travel away from his angry eyes. and i could have died with you i hope you choke on those words that kiss that bottle.confess. so burry me in memory now ash yourself yeah out on the insides said i loved you but i lied...its true, but no matter what you do im still gonna rescue you but this time ill walk away from the gurney without waiting for you to wake up...and i wont be alone. and if my breathing stop along with my heartbeat i couldnt care less becuase i know someone thinks more of me than you ever did. and they did lie.
how come words, the things we use everyday have the ability to be crafted in a certain way to make us live die and can commmand our entire feelings. they save us and can be overwhelming, yet anyone can use them .' beauty is power in the same way money is power in the same way a gun is power' but words are different they are so accesible yet it takes a special person to change them to have an effect. these people i want to learn to become one... more than anything...that has got to be true power... the power to influence the power to belive... like a 'lullaby'
my flow of thoughts and words have run dry
bring me the brain of ryan ross, pete wentz,chuck palahniuk or anyone who can help me continue... you could make me write all day
xo

half of this is quote from songs and people i listen to

'part of the no future generation'
its not just a quote of a shitty emo kid t shirt [not my views]
kids in this generation have no hope of ever escaping the fate
lets face it if you live in lower class your not gonna get any better your school will suck and if your upper class your gonna spend your money supporting these people
the nhs makes shitty desisions- a tattoo will be removed from a transvestite but a cancer patient will die... baby its a fact
baby we're invinsible ...and its the only hope i have left to hang on..
but i know its a lie someday you'll beat me, or cheat on me, or leave me with no explaination..and maybe thats what i crave..because then i can have a reason to go crawling to 'my hero' whoever it willbe that time.. or even someone from my past with a solid reason... and 6 month stale relationships no longer count outside of my head house and bed
i climb i slip i fall reaching for your hands

the academy is... cute is what we aim for fall out boy taking back sunday

would you belive me if i said:
i didn't need you,
i not scared stiff and not sure how to deal with it
i'm not falling fast
my insides are copper i'd kill to make them gold
i don't need umbrellas on the inside to keep me dry
i'm not a sucker for a sweet talker
i'm not a sucker for those famous faces
i could have died with you.
cause i wouldnt belive you if you said the same to me

<3 to the writers of these lines
cause i couldnt match you ever
i heart andy and such
xo

what are we fighting for [ this is bullshit]

if the world was like some pop art drawing, with bold clear lines, bright colours, and over exageration with a little speech, i'm not sure things would move too fast. we spend our lives desperatly wasting time and wanting things to come quicker. so fast we miss that hole thats growing bigger and bigger the way a motorcyclist would miss a hole in the road because the speed blurrs things into one gray/black surface. the texture is almost lost. oh save your wasted breath, theres bigger cracks in this society today. shush dont cry for just yourself, your worlds not the only one crashing down. you crawl into bed and you are critisied for skipping on life. well they are rushing it you decide whats worse. every move they make damages something in whatever is needed to be kept so perfect. what harm am i doing lying in bed doing nothing but breathing.sure im not doing anything to help but i am not destructing anything but myself.
and your 'golden' touch is icy from the love thats been sucked from us both. and i could be wrapped up inside his arms laying in a crowded park but feel so alone. but the alone where you feel safe and secure with only one person to harm you...but they love you. but i want to let go. to let my self be taken advantage of to let myself slip into to pain that will drown me like a relentless ocean sucking me under, rendering me powerless completly under its control only to be washed up on a distant shore days later. lifeless and completly motionless. and hes the one searching the one that cares, the one i need. but my eyes only flicker open when im needed to be used again. i'm never going to be ready but i appear to be. and i may be controling things i felt submissive to before but ultimatly i will give in. it takes one sigh one second where you hold me. one time when you call for me..when you want me to rearange my thoughts and make me feel a completly different way. and then your name flashes onto my screen alerting me from my distant trance you were very much the centre of. i hold my breath hoping for an answer. the answer that cant exist.
oh i wish i could magicaly create one liners and such beautiful words i have only seen on a few occasions, maybe then i could make my own world feel less alone
i fucking heart you
you taught me everything it was to feel anything i feel. you make me understand. you helped me out. but now im slipping under
save me again
ill try not to fuck up this time
xo

take me away from here

she mutters that she likes him but its all a little hidden in the heart thats beating too deeply too quickly for someone else. the other person that she feels oh so at home with her head against his body, the one she hates herself because she still cant get over, the one she can never have. the one that she looks at with beauty reflected in her tears. the one she still cries for so long after. and he still lets their bodys colide innocently and reaches out to touch her when her hearts slowing down. she still belives in every word he gives to her even though the past evidence tells her to run away. shes scared to the point of returning, her nails chewed her breathing too fast. he wanted them to last forever. did he fucking ever speak truthfuly. yet hes the only one she wants touching her when she cant hold back the emotions shes fighting with, and he allows it. and hes fucking in love. with another girl. the girl too perfect to let the candle light shine from anyone else
i fucking love you still
i do like you i think =[
xo
lets escape this pain together with our hands and heart entwined.

my deepest regrets and my best made plans

i'm not in love. and i guess i'm scared its not gonna happen. that whatever feelings i have for you wont grow, and i dont want to hurt you. or im scared i will begin to do something stupid. a common mistake like start to need you. then youll discover i'm nothing special. like the t shirt you only ever wear inside the house. and youll grow onto something new and ill feel the detatchment and try to move closer to glue it. i will fail and the glue will be ripped off and leave an open wound. either way unless my feelings change its gonna hurt me and maybe you as well. i have been searching for this for so long and now i feel so afraid. and im afraid to admit im afraid. maybe ill feel safer in your arms but i have to wait for that. and i dont want it to come too quick untill im sure i wont feel more alone. i need you to be my security. i want you to be open about your feelings because then i will get attacted and ill be the only one hurt. but right now im not feeling as vunerable and emotionaly declined as my first shot. and to be perfectly honest why should [ would ] you want me ... why would i be anything special ... im not physically appealing and emotionally and all that jazz im just as good as anyone else.
my fingers are crossed whilst i promsie the world to you
xo

lots of things[love]

so i was thinking about war on iraq and bombings and segrigation and lots of stuff like that and having discussions with my father about it and i was thinking fuck this is very fucked up. i made the statement ' i wouldnt ever do anything like that' but so would these people when they were kids. the things that fuel it, hatrid, tradition, racism the way people are brought up they are there even in some of the most civilised familys i know. whso to say in some years they dont attact plastic explosives to themselves and get on a plane. some people who come from the most decent familys have that fuel that drives them the hate the anger the resentment. whos to say they couldnt do the same.

so i was thinking that the worlds fucked, im lucky that all i have is just normal things but the world is fucked and id love to save it. then i read a message a guy sent to pretty much my best friend about how much she means to him and that kinda thing and i was like this is why we are alive.this is what life is about. the reason everyone hasnt given up on life. and however sucky things are in the world love, or lack of it, effects your heartbeat.
stay in love mother fuckers
and dont be afraid to dance in that fucking rain you dont know who might love how beautiful you look in the rain.
and the question better off against worse for wear
im not too sure. both are equally important. think about it
much love and fucking all that jazz
have sex you could die in a bomb tomorrow fuck sex after marridge dont regret thigns for too long if they effect only you
my heart is still beating
xo

goodbye/hello

hearts and all that jazz

you mean too fucking much to me
but i dont want you too.the fucking truth

to the person who im hoping will become that special star i cant wait
yeah (l)

hearts and fucks and hugs and kisses and anything else that comes in between

true-motherfuckinglove


xo

the world thinks im crazy to let you go... bye bye beautiful... i know you well enough to know you never loved me <3

fuckerr

oh you fuck me up so bad... and if you were to fuck me it would be harder and faster than anything i could have. just because thats how youve fucked me before.youve fucked me good and proper and thats without getting your penis out... i didnt get that till later...oh you fucked me good and proper..and you'll never stop. ill hold that fucking gun and you can help point it or your fingers can be on the trigger.you can have it anyway. we both know it was fucked from the fucking start. we were never meant to be fucking together

crashing hips because the hearts already been smashed to bits xo

i'm about to walk into a room i love and have too many emotional connections to in under an hour. fuck ive even cried in that room. ive spent too much of my life at my most vunerable in there and let people into my heart sat on that chair. and ive healed abit more ever since my last visit fuck knows if it will break me down to enter the room. but i have more amazing memories and its one place i feel fully safe. maybe the only place. thank you, who know who i may be being looked after by others now but your always gonna stay with em i feel its the truth so dont stop it. i wanna smell it qand all that jazz again wow i cant wait i apologise 100 times if im all emotional yeah. xo


Her nails hurt to look at from the bright neon glow. She hides the dullness and apathy with the brightness of makeup and hair dye. It’s like her powders and pills even the intoxicating fumes help her to get off. Oh and that picture she wished was personalised with a note or two lies next to a glow stick and her flashing memories .she only hopes that he’s moving for two, kissing for two, touching for two, loving for two. Cause its oh so fucked not to be on fire, without her starting it.

random thoughts anbd feelings, i use her refering to me so fuck yeah
xo

i'm

not even gonna try to claim i'm all that different. in fact i'm going to do the oposite. yeah i'm pretty much the same as every other real fan. but most fans would travel halway across their country/state/whatever to get to a show. theyd travel as far as they could if it wasnt for other commitments, parents or money.i think im gonna try to stop now because im not even sure i know what i'm getting at here.
. my maths teacher said 'everything seems big in a teenagers life'.thats what people think of teenagers. but in this case it wasnt. its the sort of thing you read/hear about and think fucking hell.
and when it happens that close to you you get scared.that what i was, scared. of course i felt everything that everyone else feels when something goes wrong for someone.
but the world is a fucking scary place. adults dont think we know it yet.
but we could know more. think slow motion. adults are more sheltered than kids. it happens to us more than them. their own protection shelters them, they arnt in school witnessing bullying and everything else. they arnt the ones doing drugs at partys[okay before i carry on this i the majority] they arent the ones getting comments shouted at them if they walk down the street. whatever they wear, either for dressing strange. or old men hitting on them. they arnt the ones laying down with something they feel new things for someone and doing new things. they are shocked at how the world is in the news but it happens every fucking day. adults arent experiencing it now[on the whole] every day things that shock them.that they want to protect us from. they have either forgot or things have changed. for example video ratings music etc. what we are the ones who are gonna fuck someone new soon if they havnt already we are more likly to try drugs now or soon. we swear. we arent always as sensitive to violence. i know not all of this is strictly techniqualy true and there are many execptions and things.but seriously i didnt start of with the intention to write this, but it came to me, and i felt it was important.

lets get fucked up and die

i think it only hurts because i know what i have let go of. its not that i want YOU back its i want someone back. i want thoose feelings back. i want to be your best friend because anything else hurts too much. i dont feel the same way for you but it hurts that your not my best friend ... i have got over the loss of a boy and now i have possibly lost a friend. and that hurts. i sacrificed so much to talk to you through the night when to be perfectly honest no one else could, if they even wanted to. the fact is i wont be sleeping whilst youre in pain. i wont be closing my eyes untill i have pulled you down from whatever ledge you have stepped upon. and just to laugh with you and get caught up in the shit with you is something. i want you to want something. you say you owe the world to me but that doesnt mean anything. you can owe the world to me and regret that, resent that. i owe these feelings to you and i regret that . i want you to want to owe more to me and come to me. and to sleep together at night when we know we wont do too well on our own. and then go back to whatever [love] life we might have. i dont need to be in love with you but i love you ...i want to be in love with someone else. and i feel i have reached a point where i can let go of whatever we had and pin down our friendship for later so i can move on. move onto whatever is waiting for me. my friend told me to be optimistic that good things will come of it . so im not going to claim they wont and ill pretend i belive things are gonna happen.
i do love you
xo

i know you well enough to know you never loved me :i don't do too well on my own

The now crumpled note flew from my fingers and pathetically gave up flight only a few metres from departure. Not far enough to dissolve the ‘its over’ s and ‘I wont miss you’ s but just past the space that blurs them. A photograph acting as the wrist that rotates and twists the knife further into my aching body. I know it been said so many times before but who could I go to now. One letter burnt away everything I felt safe with.
And the room became different glowing lights and fizzy shapes as the water messed up the rays before they hit my eyes. I guess my hair wasn’t the right shade for him. My bones weren’t aligned in quite the same way as hers. I didn’t have the figure of one of those girls he wanted me to be.
Every colour I could make out stopped me from wiping my own tears; because I knew any clear picture would make memories stronger. When I couldn’t hide under the unnaturally comforting nothingness, my bed covers created with blackness anymore, I’d have to catch sight of his face across a filling room. Id drop my eyes to his hands, the ones that would move to touch me, arms that ‘wouldn’t let go’.
And I knew if he ever came back he’d be under my fingertips because I couldn’t hate him until I stopped hating myself. He made sure that wouldn’t happen. He had power over me like an artist with a stash of coloured paint. He wanted me angry- the artist painted me red. Hand that artist green- make me jealous. An artist can rip up their work, shred it to tiny pieces and throw it away from them. Never have to worry about it again.
I watched him cry I had tried to laugh with him, and now it came to this. Shame I threw away the wrong words, but it flashed past me. Like spotting someone on a rollercoaster. You know they are there but the sight is too mixed up to be able to point them out. Too brand new and coded to save " I love you".
I wasn’t falling- that was before this, I feel for him- I had hit the floor and a crowd had gathered in the street. An ambulance on its way. It’s a shame the world is only awake from the mid-morning coffee and it takes visible bleeding of an unconscious body to have an ambulance called. It takes a dead women to relies her husband is a murderer. It takes something to be too late for the rescue teams. A flooded eye, to a flooded bath, to a flooded city. We can only measure time, we can not make alterations, and we have to hope the car crash has pretty flames. Everyone will do to your funeral but they won’t all be at your party only weeks before.
And that pen he picked up will be used to write down a phone number. He won’t need to discard it to detach his head from the scars.


i only posted this because i haven't posted anything in a while and idk i feel i should. i dont usualy post anything that is fiction... but i guess this is based on truth tbh becuase it is just exagerated truth. And it is based on me and a boy. a boy i know a boy i have been involved with so its not about anyone famous or anything. and the title is very significant but i'm not gonna explain it on here
plus it would take too long
yeah
xo

i think i have figured it out

i said i love you to try and grab hold of something
to cling to somethign that was going to fade anyway
i knew it, you knew it
i just hoped that maybe it would matter to you
i dont know if i ever did love you
i guess i was hoping it would give me some more time to figure out, and the pain i felt was over coming me and made me desperate
i should have realised it causes alot of distruction to pull it back
i had to pretend and live with it even if it wasnt true
im still trying to figure out
maybe ill never know who knows
ill have to wait to fall in love to find out
and then i will say it when everything feels too right
like the times under the bright city lights with the cold drizzle as good as tears washing away the pain
i wont make the same mistake
it was a mistake
but i dont know if it was a lie
if anyone knows you might be able to get those words out of me yourself
and i guess i wont need msn to do it if i need to
xo

keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you

i care thats what stops me forgetting. and at night when its just us two hanging on untill the light comes or sleep washes over your there for me and you can show how you feel and how you care. you pull my shit and i do the same to you. we love one and other. your ways of letting me know you're there make me care.
not much else to say i dont think.
xo

misery business

yeah im faking night time <3
kasias 5 hours behind me
i wish i was because i could pick up all the pieces ive dropped and place them bakc surreptitiously before they mounted up and got too much to carry
yeah

you wrote the pretty words and together you put them to beautiful music, they equaint to more than just songs
i love you for it
will you hold my hand as i jump off this cliff?
xo

"spill my heart through this pen""my pen is the barrel of my gun"

i have spent so long escaping reality that when i have to come back to it its like going on holiday for months and coming back to your garden. it has grown without you and adapted so it doesnt need you anymore. i have spent too long concentrating on a few relationships and getting away from everything else that everything else i had held up has crumbled down and been rebuilt and made me redundant. once something[or someone] realises they are either better off without you or you are ineffective to their lives its harder to prove them wrong . you have to prove your way in again. you are alowed less mistakes and you have to work to get to a place that was natural before. all because you couldnt bear the stress and complication of keeping everything intact. there are very few things people actually need and they often can get it from somewhere else. you cant leave the world and then be able to squeeze your way bakc into the same tight hole[ gutter mind tut tut] you had yourself in before.everything is interconnecting. you fuck up your chances its hard to get back there. you have to rely on the care of the people you left. i have allowed someone back in because i cared and i desperatly wanted, needed to make them feel as okay as i could. i am desperate to make things as okay as possible untill the day one of us dies. i cannot predict that time and i want to make things perfect. but i am not naive enough to belive perfect exists. not to a dictionary definition anyway. i just hope karma exists and the same can come back to me maybe. just maybe. and maybe i dont want to grow up. maybe i dont want to make it to trust and love and hope. because maybe i want to be a poet. i cant have love and sympathy but maybe i can swith between, or maybe they are the same thing but coming from different places
i pray that everyone can have trust and love and hope and also care that comes from them all.
xo

from thee myspace tbh.. and from the mouths of others

i just had a near life experience...
"when we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves"
"all god does is watch us and kill us when we get boring, we must never get boring"
"Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most. "

"Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education."
"Hysteria is only possible with an audience."
"It happens fast for some people and slow for some, accidents or gravity, but we all end up mutilated."

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
"game shows, some people will take the trip to France, but most people will take the washer dryer pair."
"People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future."

"The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."
"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."
"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."
"When nobody will look at you, you can stare a hole in them. Picking out all the little details you'd never stare long enough to get if she'd ever just return your gaze, this, this is your revenge."

"When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

"Who you are moment to moment is just a story."
"Why is it you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying?"
"Your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct."

"Your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life."
.....................................................................................................................................................
"If you know me, you know how uncool I am. I stutter, wear bad clothes, make bad jokes, make conversation uncomfortable, the list goes on. Thank you for making me feel okay"
"My brain feels like it is on crutches. "
"The great thing about the UK is that in normal conversation you can say cunt and bollocks and noone will say anything "[sorry had to slip that one in]
"Know that not a day goes by that I don't hope you're feeling okay."
"If you aren't just a little bit depressed, then you aren't paying very much attention to what's going on in the world."
"When somebody hangs up on the phone when you're 2,000 miles away from them, you have no recourse. The only reaction there is, is a pen. There's nothing else that you can do."
"Your biggest fantasy is walking away from the life (they think) you lead."
"sometimes we get caught up in riding the moment, good or bad. mental health or our bodies. usually its never as bad as it seems in our own heads or in those seconds when it seems like noone else can empathize. but the truth is, as reluctant as we are to admit it- there are strains inside of us that make us exactly the same. together and alone all at once. crashing thoughts like chemistry. "
i was going to add more but i couldnt find too many more and its ahrder to find any other people and these two came to mind okay dont hit me xo

last night<3

You are the sun, I am the moon, and I can only reflect whatever light you give me. If you are dark I’m dark. You control the way my fingers race over the lettered keys. Your anger radiates and we flow it back and forth until the friction creates enough heat to melt the fuse and your one liners are probably second-hand but you serenade me with promises of connection and affection, you point out our history unceremoniously as a Russian child would rip a ration card out from their parents pocked at Stalingrad. I secretly plead that my words pull some strings ad more than just unthought out words are thrown back as I resist from sending, which has more magnitude than the planned cause and effect truth my imagination conjures. Even when your words aren’t accurate they fill me with a desire to make dints and purple marks as strong as my desire to touch you. The pictures and posters that contrast my plain walls aren’t of your face. A single image is saved on my computer. A complex arrangement of light. A code that leaves trails on my face like slugs to carrots tears to gravity. A mechanical formation of emotionless symbols constructs memories. Nothing I can touch, nothing I can hold in my hands in the moment. And I want to walk into a darkened alley at this moment in the night and get someone to fire a gun anything to make you share the restless nights of anxiety and eventually dream in Atavan Havan. For you to hope your face is the first I see life returns to my salvaged body. For you to have the shock of maybe loosing something valuable, because my care means that I cant turn around without saying goodbye or even fire my own gun.

there are no stars where i live



shame thats where i should be kissed

shoot my in the fucking face

i have memories of things flashing around me, but its like watching a movie but with the feelings implanted inside me.
i hate myself and i dont feel safe about it, i havnt had it long enough to get used to it
shoot me in the fucking face
xo

from my myspace tbh

don't ever bring her downor let anyone hurt her, even if you could hurt her worsedon't try to crush him because he cut of your blood supplyyou've been hurt,so stop fucking around with peopletell everyone you meet about the person who'd do anything for yoube genuine but not in a fake waydont say you dont follow a crowd just because you arn't with a popular crewdon't stop untill you've got it rightyou dont need loveits just another rope to hang ontodon't stop doing something thats making you laugh just because someones staring at youdon't stare at someone unless they are trying to grab attentionattention seeking isn't always bad, they might not be getting it from anywhere elsetheres always something/someone worse than youthats a good and a bad thingdon't feel guilty unless you've hurt someonedon't say i love you unless you dobecause when you mean it, it will have lost its depthuse metaphorsuse similiesdon't stop at something because you aren't the best at itor no-one else does it
this sounds like im trying to give people answers like im tryign to preech some word because i know everythingwell i don'ti want people to know anything i might have found useful even if they don't careif someone teaches me something that gets me through an hour i will pass it one to someone elseand i hope that if everyone gives that moment backeveryone will be sat outside of the lake instead of struggling to lkeep there heads floating above it
oh and if a man stops you in the street dont just nod and wait to walk away argue back =]
xo

theres grey rain on my head where it should be clear

you sit across the room, my eyes are blurring as they set on you. you cant suck up the tears but i can stop myself from crying too much. i have built a skill of holding back tears, and smiling when i'm about to be sick. the constant feeling i can control but when something happens quickly all of a sudden then its obvious to the outsiders, i can keep things hidden as i am used to it and i haver plenty of practise but this is new it comes up and shocks me and i cant control it ... but maybe im trying to be open. your everything i want to be and everything i want you to be .. i need to save you just so i cant hopfull save myself ... your beauty is most present in the moonlight in the time when everyone feels the most. the time when i cant hide the moonlight is dim yet it shows every scar of my life. the icy wind sweeps over everyones bodies and vacumes all moisture and warmth from anything that should contain it ... and therefor it all cracks, freethaw, your heart breaks..your lungs fill with the water it has collected and you feel like there is no chance of breathing if you fall alseep. but your tiredness doesnt overcome you anxiety, your feelings you stay awake untill you force yourself to sleep and sometimes you will wake up earlier than necassary but when your asleep its the time when your in complete bliss .. what i imagine is the bussist idea of nirvana and it is truly blissful it is the closest thing i can compare to death, when you are completly vacant no dreams troubling your thoughts just pure nothingness tell me this isnt nirvana, tell me this isnt the ultimate dream... yet why dont i try to spend more time sleeping.. because i cant control my dreams i cant control the knives that fly but i know i will wake up in the end ... my heaven broken i have to tear myself away. and when there is nothing left to feel there is nothing left to write ... there is nothing left to draw there is an end to any talents i currently enjoy possesing my frustration the thing that keeps me away my pain at the way things currently are. and to my window i see a white sky wherre i wish it was blue or black.. white the inbetween shade that is good for nothing. the trees arnt brightened yet they arnt contrastingly darkened they are cast with grey cloudy shadows. nothing is dramatic not a bright light white screaming hallelujah or a cold and broken black storm. the white sky si blidning and messing my mind that can not register the way it makes me think or feel its topo wide for my nerves to send messages to my brain and my pupils dialate trying to focus. and why am i holding onto to somethign ivisible when i cant see it to see if its holding onto me. and why if god lvoes us all and wnats relationships with us all why cant he enlighten me or even guide me to where eer im suppose to be ghoing or whatever im meant to be feeling. fuck free will it leads us to sucide and wars and general suffering if god loved me he would help me somehow and i know my sufferings minute compared to alot of people but id suffer if i knew why and what and how and everything about the suffering its just all a big browny green messy blob with nothing to direct me out of it.
why is 1993 old in croation money terms ?
answer me someone
then i will belive in you
liek i belive in alot of people
that belief is more valuable than most things i can give
someone giveme every single answer i need and i will called you god
and it wont be blasphemous
xo

days when we still felt alive

i couldnt wait to get outside
i wnated to go outside today
but that killed me
i dont feel safe being okay
i need someone to hold my hand to be honest
now i feel sick and maybe i didnt offset it forever
and then ill wish i was okay
i forget too easy =[
xo

you should try to take a shot cant you see my walls are crumblingxo

why can't i come to terms with what ever im feeling?
why does it make me sick that i don't feel something?
why am i not happy that i don't feel like i can't take it?
i guess i want to feel something, if i cant feel elation ?
maybe im bored of being okay, after doing nothing i have forgot how to create excitment?
why cant i go back to what im used to?
why cant i be okay about being okay?
ooo fuck fuck fuck
i want to feel some feeling that isnt worry and confusion as you walk across the room towards me
i want to only see you when i walk into the room
i want to save you
ifuckingloveyoutrueblue
you:(
heartbreakeryoufuckedme=[
xo

I'm tired of being all alone...

i see you lie complacently across his legs, only metres away from me. what I'd give to lift your thoguhts from your head. i dont care how you use me, ill deal with all your problems id do anything you wanted, for you i am vunerable. i am the girl who would do anything for you. yet im not naive i am just underloved.i strayed from the path of true love many years ago. id be there when youre sick when youre angry when youre devestated. i was made to get my heartbroken by people who dont even know my name . i cant end this circle each fascination weakens my walls and makes me suseptable to anyone who want to break the huge glass heart that lies underneath my crumbling ribcage. everytime im knocked to the ground i am weakend yet nothing strenghens me apart from the feeling that its going to go wrong. i guess i am just wrong in a wrong world

i am...

i am a sucker for a sweet talker:
that doesn't mean cheesy chat up lines,
it means heartfelt lyricaly beautiful words

i don't care if you're a loner:
that doesn't mean your popular in'the scene'
i mean shy boy with a beautiful smile and shining eyes
thats my preference

i want to hang on your words:
that doesn't mean you can tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head
it means you make me step over the edge
but you pull me back with your voice as well

i want you to be a hot guitarist lyricist writer artist backing vocals maybe:
this does not mean you should be a poser
i want you to be genuine
id sacrifice the hotness for alot =]

i want you to be different:
this does not mean from the in crowd
if you follow a scene in the same way its just as bad?
i want you to surprise me

i want to love you:
this doesn't mean i want to be completly happy
i want to be loved by you too
i want to cry cause i haven't talked to you today
iwant to talk to you untill i feel sick through lack of sleep
i want you to be with me all the time
i want to only see you...and the other way round
i want to feel safe
i want to wake up and cry cause your not there
i want you to step in and wipe those tears

yeah im suck a sucker for this guy
oh and acoustic guitars =]