"spill my heart through this pen""my pen is the barrel of my gun"

i have spent so long escaping reality that when i have to come back to it its like going on holiday for months and coming back to your garden. it has grown without you and adapted so it doesnt need you anymore. i have spent too long concentrating on a few relationships and getting away from everything else that everything else i had held up has crumbled down and been rebuilt and made me redundant. once something[or someone] realises they are either better off without you or you are ineffective to their lives its harder to prove them wrong . you have to prove your way in again. you are alowed less mistakes and you have to work to get to a place that was natural before. all because you couldnt bear the stress and complication of keeping everything intact. there are very few things people actually need and they often can get it from somewhere else. you cant leave the world and then be able to squeeze your way bakc into the same tight hole[ gutter mind tut tut] you had yourself in before.everything is interconnecting. you fuck up your chances its hard to get back there. you have to rely on the care of the people you left. i have allowed someone back in because i cared and i desperatly wanted, needed to make them feel as okay as i could. i am desperate to make things as okay as possible untill the day one of us dies. i cannot predict that time and i want to make things perfect. but i am not naive enough to belive perfect exists. not to a dictionary definition anyway. i just hope karma exists and the same can come back to me maybe. just maybe. and maybe i dont want to grow up. maybe i dont want to make it to trust and love and hope. because maybe i want to be a poet. i cant have love and sympathy but maybe i can swith between, or maybe they are the same thing but coming from different places
i pray that everyone can have trust and love and hope and also care that comes from them all.
xo