i'm writing as far away from people as i know i can get. its my own place, i'm not gonna take you to it unless you're really special. its my own palce yet so many people pass through here. i'm constantly on edge just in case someone does come. i but llove it, its silent apart from the trickling water just inchese bellow my dangling feet. but i'm so scared of silence i block it out with my ipod. quietaphobe. i wont deny it. i came here to escape everyone but my fear shits me up so much i take my phone with me. yet i'll insist i am in my own world no-one knows where i am and youd have to be fucking speciall for me to take you here. and the thing i am most scared of when i tell a secret is the perosn wont actually care, because its making myself vunerable and that opened wall could stay open, broke for nothing. and it happens every fucking time.
god i fucking put myself out there just to be helped for one fucking night and you say you'll help but that is 10p of your time. you pretend you'll come back to help but you fucking never do. just tell me if you dont give a fuck. i'll find someone who really does in the end. i'll be my death but you didnt warn me about the bullets. no its not your fault but you never found out whose it was. dont go that far then walk home becuase its cold out. its always fucking cold out. its winter in manchester not summer in fucking vegas. and yeah i'm scared shit and not of you but you never rationalised me. oh but once you held me till i was breathing again. i saw the fear in your eyes but it was nothing to the aprehension in my head. 2nd person gets you nowher but flash backs and this shade of green is startng to look appealing (pen was green for the record). and my toes and arse are fucking numb but i dont care the friction of this pen is keeping me warm. ellis's fountain of knowledge. i dont wanna change back to safety like you. because what you do is so much more moral. at least im open to reality. your so life loving attitude its killing you inside, just like my ' i'm freinds with a stoner regime'. any song in the right setting with the right volume can be a lullabye as long as it has feeling. none of your manufactured shite. none of your lets fake it cause we're indie. the kdis are all fucked up every single one of them. so dont lie. right now i'm as invisible as i need to be and to be perfectly honest i couldnt remmeber hald the songs that have played into my ears the writinf has taken over and my spellings fucked and my hands are too munb for my handwriting to be consistant. i can probably see my primary school from here, ladies and gentlemen, if that hill wasnt in the way, but i wouldnt want to anyway. its just gone midday and i'm alreayd waiting for darkness to start creeping in. even here i cant escape the police sirens and over head helicopters fro my childhood dawnings that drop me in this societies reality. oh and here goes the acoustic one. however softly you sing the pains more apparent- they arent even your words. shame the guy with the emotion doesnt sound pretty. at least you dont look it. he fucking does. ive never met you but i spend my life with you. and just for the record the shaking is setting in. i have realised how much this sounds liek a goodbye( or an apology) but i can assure you its not. not that youd care. i pray it doesnt rain that would give me away and i know it. i dont wan that just yet. i would like you to know though not to come find me just to know but the look in my eyes or my tone of voice- my expression. and it must ahve been an hour and i'm not in your arms just to make that clear. rpetyt soon i'll get up. just not yet
notfuckingyet
xo
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