theres grey rain on my head where it should be clear

you sit across the room, my eyes are blurring as they set on you. you cant suck up the tears but i can stop myself from crying too much. i have built a skill of holding back tears, and smiling when i'm about to be sick. the constant feeling i can control but when something happens quickly all of a sudden then its obvious to the outsiders, i can keep things hidden as i am used to it and i haver plenty of practise but this is new it comes up and shocks me and i cant control it ... but maybe im trying to be open. your everything i want to be and everything i want you to be .. i need to save you just so i cant hopfull save myself ... your beauty is most present in the moonlight in the time when everyone feels the most. the time when i cant hide the moonlight is dim yet it shows every scar of my life. the icy wind sweeps over everyones bodies and vacumes all moisture and warmth from anything that should contain it ... and therefor it all cracks, freethaw, your heart breaks..your lungs fill with the water it has collected and you feel like there is no chance of breathing if you fall alseep. but your tiredness doesnt overcome you anxiety, your feelings you stay awake untill you force yourself to sleep and sometimes you will wake up earlier than necassary but when your asleep its the time when your in complete bliss .. what i imagine is the bussist idea of nirvana and it is truly blissful it is the closest thing i can compare to death, when you are completly vacant no dreams troubling your thoughts just pure nothingness tell me this isnt nirvana, tell me this isnt the ultimate dream... yet why dont i try to spend more time sleeping.. because i cant control my dreams i cant control the knives that fly but i know i will wake up in the end ... my heaven broken i have to tear myself away. and when there is nothing left to feel there is nothing left to write ... there is nothing left to draw there is an end to any talents i currently enjoy possesing my frustration the thing that keeps me away my pain at the way things currently are. and to my window i see a white sky wherre i wish it was blue or black.. white the inbetween shade that is good for nothing. the trees arnt brightened yet they arnt contrastingly darkened they are cast with grey cloudy shadows. nothing is dramatic not a bright light white screaming hallelujah or a cold and broken black storm. the white sky si blidning and messing my mind that can not register the way it makes me think or feel its topo wide for my nerves to send messages to my brain and my pupils dialate trying to focus. and why am i holding onto to somethign ivisible when i cant see it to see if its holding onto me. and why if god lvoes us all and wnats relationships with us all why cant he enlighten me or even guide me to where eer im suppose to be ghoing or whatever im meant to be feeling. fuck free will it leads us to sucide and wars and general suffering if god loved me he would help me somehow and i know my sufferings minute compared to alot of people but id suffer if i knew why and what and how and everything about the suffering its just all a big browny green messy blob with nothing to direct me out of it.
why is 1993 old in croation money terms ?
answer me someone
then i will belive in you
liek i belive in alot of people
that belief is more valuable than most things i can give
someone giveme every single answer i need and i will called you god
and it wont be blasphemous
xo