the rain covers the dispersion of your smell
i know if it makes a month i won't be left to cry
you cant hide from what i'm trying to say
because its held in the image you gave me

the power of the potency of the past, is contricting me. i know what i felt, what i knew, the thoughts that slashed my mind at 4 in the morning when all they were surroun ded by were the thick density of foggy mass. the slight variations between numbness and nothingness and nothingness and normality. we all want to feel nnothing or feel numb or to feel normal, but we never want to feel nothing or feel numb or to feel normal. the depth and complexity wraps over the normality binding in a knot over my eyes. it prevents my from the power of observation. i have nothing new to write but the continual destruction and decandence we witness before. the numbness, the nothingness the normality is the blindness. . and suddenly after a day of tragic tales i start to notice. i can see. in the moment i stop thinking about whats gone and begin to witness it comes back.
you use your attitude as an excuse. dont judge me because it's in my nature. it's my attitude i cantt help it. well genius is often drawn from insanity. and every tragic boy sitting in a desolate corner. thursting the story of your despondancy to everyone and anyone. well some miracle doess't come along to every single one and save them till they keep blaming their nature untill their death

i met a girl who once
confessed her secrets to a fool
who'd made all the same mistakes this afternoon
but kept them burried under the moon
she spat out her troubles like red wine
never let her life start to shine
kept it polished with vinagerette
dipped in coffee sealed by the fire
burnt her mouth when it all came out
that she loved him in the showwer

will you come and read to me soon i can't see a thing

just ring me on your drunken walk home
tell me that you scared and need me tonight
your feeling scared, and your eyes are watering
because the worlds been hurting you,
and your skins been feeling too soft
because the worlds sharp to me too
and i dont believe in any more sleep
the cold rain and falling mushy leaves
will calm me down, and chill my skin
preserving the bones and the love
my eyes are too open i've noticed to much
but the worlds been skipping by
flinging me off, letting me flail
the months passed too quickly
my bodies filled with caffeine and alcohol
i swore i'd never end up the way
that my parents had shown me in their
boring office jobs
intoxicating their minds with legality
just to break to dull and numb
just for some action
to feel
to love

three nights ago i slept in my memory imprinted sheets
soaked in fear and complacement and longing
you talk, your recycled breath filling my mouth with a bitter taste
we stumbled about searching for affection, craving to be loved
learnign about attention,
i want my sheets to be soaked in your sweat
my lips swollen and my throat sore
my wrists bruised
fucking violate me
the worlds hanging on the brink of war, violence, and ocnfusion
make me feel safe, by ripping away all my security
everythign that i hold onto take away
it takes some effort to truely decomposed
to be left as nothing, to find yourself you've got to loose everything
you are everyhting, you are nothing, you to me are an idea
i see what you mean to be, not what you are
i see you lying on my bed
i see you shaking
ill suck the acid from your teeth
ill drink from you, ill feed myself form anything but your emotions
we dont exist anymore
i cant feel you anymore
so blinded and so empty and so pushed together

when i woek up this morning i felt i couldnt see through my eyes
i've ignored my photographic memory, till i cant see anything at all
my head feels empty and lightless, stuck in an empty distance space
if i try i can picture myself lay on the ink sky stain post red path
tears rolling back into my eyes, trying to soak the insignificance of me
compared to the stars, so i pick myself up and stroll to his house
hes standing at the door, and he doesnt get it yet he takes me in his arms
but i remember when you kissed my hair, it feels like im dissolved now
everything stinging my skin, the flashes of the movement of your hips
i'm choking on my words remember the declarations are in past tense now
we joked that id cry for contact when the distance was linked by time
but the proximity makes me cry, the music makes me cry, the tears hurt my eyes
i know its a waste of time but the bondage keeps me holding on

well one day we sat under the sunlight
and i thought how soemday you might use my voice
to amplify your thoughts when you felt like your skin had dissolved
but now i walk an extra ten minutes down the road
just because i dont want to walk alone
no because im scared of being alone
and now i've been told i'm fucked up
and you think that i am deulded
but somepeople say im stupid for feeling insane
and a car drove past with someone i forgot i'd met
and they looked happy and content with just a hand under their chest
it will be another hour till anyone else comes home
my mother and my father they are scared of being sure
and my sister has run away from moving away
my curtains are closed and my window is open
and the sunlight is makign shadows on my mirror
and i know you will hate this
and if youre proud of me, youll still hate this
but youre not a man whose in it for the fuck
and i know id always hate that
and its been 4 days since youve been concerned
and im concernd

the fact is you work, to work hard. to work harder. to work hard in a place that is both monotonous and infinite. or you dont work to not work. and this isnt acceptable. well.
sometimes when i think i think as if it if a scene that will happen in the future. but of course it wont
and soemtimes in my thoughts i sound the way i wish i did
but the trouble is youre either too empathetic or unsympathetic. either way you loose out
either way youre fucked

eu te amo

i look up at you and notice we'll never be who we want to be
but as the music washes over our over open eyes
we know that it feels quite safe lying here if we can close our eyes
as we drink coffee you'll shake your head at the aspartamme that i'd say with an e
but i'll say baby this is sacarine, the same as from george orwell
and if i didnt lvoe you i loved the idea of who you were
the idea that you wanted to be, the people that we see
and if you didnt love me thats okay, we'll cry tonight
but tomorrow i'll watch you try to to pass through the days
we'll hold hands and skip towards the acid decay
becuase a friend once said once youre happy youre fucked
and it irrated you when id leave the apostraphe out of my words
but i'd smile and say it was artistic liscene that made me stop
and if i hear that lyric from your screen name, i'll gasp in shock
and i finally realise exactly what it means, and you laugh
and i'm sorry for laughing at the future and applogise for looking at the past
you're just someone wishing you were someone wishing they were someone else
tonight i'll love you for giving me photographic memories
and making me cry from more than just the way things look
but when i can smell you on my clothes this is nothing more profound
but i laughed at your plans and i laughed at your eccentricities
we never really meant to get this way
we never really thought we'd find this again
but you'd never really believe just how old i currently feel
when i watch you're eyes react to the turning of the time

is this working

i feel like running
i feel like flying
when you wake up in the morning everything kinda looks shitty

wow im part of 2% how special :\

x

my friends lvoed me when i stopped saying crazy things
they'd drop my hand take em far away and whisper to run away
you loved my eyes but they are just snesory organs, left for significance
its hard to tell you but when you don't smile its kinda painful
you cant sit and hold someone when they wont answer youre calls
its hurts because its a reflection of the way i think
we can sit and drink coffee and rasberry tea and watch the clock tick away the morning
times lioke this the pain doesnt make you feel sane
and your hands tremble and your shaking in the light
ill take your fingers and lace them through mine
but baby i'll stay awake through the night
jut to wake you up with the news you're still alive
and i'm making your coffee today

i may ask for a refund on predeterminism

the fact si. tis not that you were special. the idea of you is special. really you're just someone trying to be that idea. anyone can try to be an idea. in fact everyuone tries to be an idea. but i fell in love with that idea. i remember how when i got sadwe were past asking what it was about. we were past believing any lies. you cant fake the same lies that they tried last week. even when its dark and you feel weak. you cant sleep so you play music soft enough not too keep you awake, but strong enough to push away you're mind. who says this is perfection, everything is just an object made from atoms made from different numbers of electrons. whose to say something is perfect. whose to say we are insane. maybe you're insane. maybe it doesnt exist. maybe nothing really exists. maybe that would be perfection. i you cant reach the final idea in one direction why dont you turn around and go for the exact opposite. theres always soemthing to be sad about, if you're happy 90% of the time thereas always that 10% you cant have a eprcentage of 0.you said we are different because we notice the things that arent perfect, we notice mroe than beauty and love. well what if we can find beauty in the things that are so far gone. maybe that makes us better. ive learnt never to ask someone what is wrong with them. they either dont want to tell you, or you're just going to disapoint them. the msot comforting thought is that your're going to be okay. but then what. youre not going to be okay. the perfect people, they find some way to destruct, if you cant improve youve got to destruct. maybe we should ignore the drug adicts and the homeless and watch the young children growing up in stable homes, which enough money and go to school smiling. everyones supposed to learn from their mistakes, so why should we bother stopping them. if you dont remember what it was like to be in love, how do you know you were. if you dont remember what it was like to spend all night shaking, with your mind constantly replaying , maybe thats why we arent careful, maybe thats why we still believe in the concept of love. to love is for things to hrut that little bit more. and you thought sex was bad. if someoen makes you happy, they can make you sad, if someone can save you, well they are responsible for your life. do you really want to answer that phone call. do you really want to ring them in the first place. and after all this. after all the emotions, after all the pain, you're just one person out of 6 billion. how nice. how humbling, how insignificant. why lie. if you hurt10 people theres stll 6 billion more. we're over populated anyway. and at the end of all of this i dont mean it. i thought i would tell mel but mel and all my mother friends is in the county jail something that hurts you well someone else wont care. and if you cna get enough people to care its only going to last 60 more years. nothing is the end of the world. and if it is why does it matter

shit

i remember when id use your chest as a pillow
and youd suck my lips betwenn your teeth
as my eyelids would flicker closed
my friends lovers miles away
the nights theyd cry, stuck in our beds
the ropes of youth
sewn up in years flying by
distant light floods the hills
the song that first remind me of love
i could your vitals
your heartbeat slowing down
whisper when theres noone around

when i look out from my window i see the rain
shimmer in the pitch black sky
i feel it pour down on ym dangling feet but i
breath in and smell its scent
the orange glow of fragmented streetlight
cutting through the sleek ink road
covering the ex red bricks
it trackles down ym arms and i feel the same
two years before i looked down to the ground
i saw the same greyscale streets
i held onto the flickers of the luminated streets
speckels of hope craking through the dark
but now i see the sparkling stream
slididng through the stone path
it reflects the damage all throughout the world
but i cant help but want stop and smile
at the beauty of its light
and the hope and love it washed around
2 years ago i talked like oscar wilde
but now ive fouind something to make me laugh
i can still hear the sound of thunderstorms
keeping em awake when i lie down
my feeet touch the same roof that i
threw burnt paper on
it drifted off into the clouds
and toook my cloudded eyes
the smell of woodne trees makes me cry

the world is collapsing and falling into such a poisonous decay
but somehow you learn to capture it in such a picturesque way
the way the light hits the carefully crumbling buildings
and the fuzzy effect the smoke has on the graphittied parks frames
if your going to fall apart at least do it with some elegance
leave a lipstick smudge on your last cigarette
let wine glasses smash leaving pretty patterened stains
nothing can help doing repulsive things but you can cover them with beauty

the art of regret
you can knwo youve missed out and you should have done soemthing else but sometiems theres nothing you can do to change it
no i cant sleep
theres a house not too vfar away with someone in it.
theres a tree that once i saw you udner
theres a street we ran through once
theres a comment i wish i never made
theres soemthign i wish i never discovered
someone i wish was here
if you dont sleep and then two days later wake uip tired you knwo there;s a reason
sometimes the thigns you do get you so lost you cant trace thigns back
sometimes what keeps you awake only rots the things for tomorrow
if something makes sense at 2 am its msot certainly not in the morning
insomnia is a drug
memories are like ropes
how frank of me
x

.

its just that nostalgia and wondering if ive left too much behind
its the craving and the yearning that i feel too guilty to act upon
its the emotions that are torn between two times and minds
the choking breath of confusing and the tension of carrying the ting
to run away from everythuing that needs to be adressed
the tight strings slowly snaping , pulling tearing
shouting voices and troubled tones
the first time i saw an orange sunset over blue waters i closed my eyes
danger in the most pure moments.
hypocrasy abused from an elevated vantage point
fear and insecurity
but with a dash of someone else to think about
you spend years dreamign of someone to stick with you, to guide your through the things you cant work out for yourself. the times when you dont knwo why or what or how.
then you feel guilty for what it could do to someone and you sink back to the solitude
strick up the past fuckign addictions but make it more invisible than ever. so much more discreat, but you learn that making things known leaves you onto a muddy track with rotten leaves lacking the lustre of the autumn colours, pugent mouldy berries loosing their sweet taste, the smell of decaying animals lambs that never grew up, the sound of children crying lost in the forset. you fall deeper. it makes you think. will it ever be reverse.
so lets mix it up a little. numbing the sense cooling and tingling, numb the soul. blur your vision with such an incipid liquid makes you shudder as it burns, blur your soul.

just when you think everythings right
it becomes wrong someone will slip out of place and fall away
time slides through your fingertips and you grasp onto reality
clasping onto faith
you thought you were strong but your all alone

-

as i just stare into the skies
to drift into the sleep
as life passes us by
dreaming of a printed mind
filled with harlems
and reminisent times
wait for the night to fly
leaving the child inside behind
wondering pitch of colourless lines
in a shade of pigmented white
take your smiles into the ozone
take your fears into fire
feel your thoughts shiver and run
feel your tears flow and die
feel your tears flow and die
wake up to see the ocean sink
turn the grass into sand
dream of another time to cry
enchanted glow of glistening thunder
ticking clocks fail our plans
lightening hits us into the ground
rain splashing out of our eyes
sunshine spilling out of our mouths
blindfolded sparkling ever loud
beats of the towers crashing down
take your smiles into the ozone
take your fears into fire
feel your thoughts shiver and run
feel your tears flow and die
feel your tears flow and die

:(

i guess i just miss you

at night you'll watch the movements in your fragile mind
wishing for the fingertips to run over today
and bring out the sunshine from you lifetime
and those innoecent minutes placed back in the third year
you'll be watched as the liwuid flows
as your bruises and cut start to form
the eyes never leave
the auburn glow of your eye swiftly dances in time
to the nature of reality so scarily decays
nice to knwo this is the end
of brutal honest
and poetry
and everything in between
if you sit in a public place for long enough. your mind will attatch itself to someone. you'kll trace there movements when they crush their empty cans. light a cigarette waiting for the end of their life. youll notice how odd the humans we know are. you never notice becuas eyou never tke the time to pay attention. im slightly ashamed to say that i learn mostly from books music and television. i wish i learn from real life experiences but thw world tends to move awya from relaity and more into how to disinfect everythign we have. the impacts lost. we arent allowed to feel. we arent alowed to bve outraged we arent allowed to be intrigued. we must comment on everfythign eith a detatched superiority. we talk about toher countries desperatly clinging to anythign near stability. we know whats going on but becuase we are so sanitised and desensitised it feels like a storyh. liek a dream. the pictures dont seem real. they feel faked... we cant stop and really experience it.

x

your born completely unaware. completely dependant
throughtout your childhood you are stupidly ignorant and naive. the smallest things sting.
when you become a teenager your starting to learn. the shock hits you hard
when you grow up soem more your alone for the first time. you wished for it now your scared
after that your aware. you can see where your going your not happy with it. your unhappy with your job, your progress everything. you thought it would be better by now. to make it worse you know all about teh bad things. your experiencing them.
finally you can almsot see the end, youve probably wished for it at some point too. now your uncertain its the only thing you have left to learn. yet theres so much more. you wish you could go back. change thigns do more. but you dont remember how much it used to hurt. but it will be over soon. and your regrettful and resentful. and you hate whats coming.
then your dead. was it worth it?

take me back to that park
are the leaves the same colour as they hit the ground. its as fucking cold. windy. its more empty than it ever was.
we can all feel the spaces between everything theyre ope n waiting for something to jump out and hurt you. your vunerable because there is so much left wide open.
people squeeze those gaps open

i wouldnt go as far as to say your a beautiful person
but you can make up the difference for what we believe
you'll feel this way for the rest of your life
so make it the way you want it to be
i wont bore you with pretty words
strung at such a pretty speed
but instead ill replace them in your pretty head
with a quick felt honest moment of perfect fracturing
brutal honesty so what if we like to feel this way
its perfectly normal to me
whats perfectly normal is just a dream
so yhour pretty face will break one day
and the lines drawn around you frey
and your clothes will never look this way
youll loose it all some day
but your beauty wont be tainted just masked under the glory of
younger kids with younger flickers
you dont need today
just throw it away
with yesterday
its just another day
it will be over in a day
just throw away the day
make something of the next day
just dont remember i love you
x

while the sun reflects red on this fractured city
the red runs down the drunk girls smile
down your arms skipping the beats in your spine
...

ahh now I see

you people all spend too much time wraped up in your beds
when you could be making dreams come true instead
early on a Sunday morning waiting for the church to close
if god loves you if you pray why haven't you been saved
so you sit passive in your seats searching for the right tune
to sing words you don't believe
why spend your time rebuilding what you found
when you could learn how to feel instead
and even when you dead. You'll still leave a mess on a bed
for some old maid whose under paided to clean up so she can get fed
xx

the difference between psychotics and neurotics

well darling I hope you feel as bad as I do
Sitting all alone at half past two
I'm oh so sorry my eyes arent glaZing over
cause they're moist from caffeen and sugar
I can't recall my mind being pretty
or my expressions reaching witty
and my nails are chipped and bitten down
at least I spent yesterday thinking
is the world really sinking
two and two make four but that feels bad
I know the medication only makes you empty
that politition on the television
had the habbit of making me want to cry
picture perfect privallaged children
cant wait to see the desert sun
oh on this broken windy landslide
why do we lift our eyes to see the sky
...

this Is going nowhere

hey lover is your sky turning red
I wonder is your shirt stained yet
is your body littered with bruises
have your eyes dried up
are you numb

Did you loose your mind on the way home
is it a week since your friends called
did your moyer forget to pass you by
has your week felt oo long
and your weekend bring your flood up

Have you lost your plastic walls
angel have you found my arms
do you miss me when I'm sleeping
Do you need to make me smile

take one guess

Sweat soaked thunder
driipping on the floor
rhythmic gliding. Push for one more
what the church say
fuck their jugement. Stay
the watch of your mother
till your wedding day
the teenage kids they can't see a day
past tommorow
hold on you forgot to pray
watch the sheets fall
alcoholic kiss
sweat soaked thunder
will they ever learn

.

lets pretend we're lsitening to vinylls
as we stumble pass that broken mess of a kid we knew 3 years ago
tumbling through the nettles into the wet green grass
our eyes couldnt meet,
i can only listen to the sound
of the skyu lifting off and leaving
the world expaning
anxiety dripping down my throat
i swallow
drifting slowly twisting
convulsions on a midnight brick made bed
drops of something fractured
drip down slowly down
sweetless lullabyes, sent to kill
linger to claim

bored coach

depending on the size of the sky
ill see you cough up ashes
into the palm of my hand
now if my head bangs against
the transition block glass
ill watch you jump into the sun
disaapointing thats its raining
inside when i see the stars

mehhhh idc

i wish we knew how to lie...

from tiem tot ime im sure we just forgot
how those nights passed
the time filled with simple silence
and complex revelations
now im scared to admit just how far
io broke my drunken promises
and im ashamed of how you flew
like a desperate swan away from me
we couldnt let the challenge pass
the night i led you home
strangers watchjed us cry
i guess we both lied


more about the message this time

i'm sorry we both couldn't do it...

handwrote...

back home eyes to the sky
my heart was haken to attention
passed words by alcoholic breathing
i'll sit on a long train if you're fine
the boys you dreamed for that night
when you learnt why you built walls
your mind filled with open scares
scared to be alone, scared to be unknown
you'll watch for the vibrations in time
giving me froever to feel the radiation
falling from a rarely bright northern sky
cue the bells whisky, and agar vodka jelly
come dance in manchetser in the waterfalls

because i said something bad.

wake up, so i can feel you sleep
how long will it take for you to forget these walls
soak in, the radiated tears
i wont feel the cuts on your fingertips
and tonight i'll sip this empty drink
thinking about the way that you moved
back when we were simplistic
tomorrow you'll wish you never slip
do you ever wonder
if the sky stayed blue
would i want you in my room
sitting on that emerald hil
you made your promise to stain your cheek
for all these drawn out weeks
when i couldnt think for hand built fences
and rumours surrounding high school dreams
the kids in the fights
shattered bones on tarmac floors
breaking down on the matted floor of your car
under the black of polluted skys
the stars dont shine because of our lives
just like your iron eyes
innocent muttered lies
drift towards your mothers mind
with coffee i'll sing tonight
of a mad town, and a fractured night
.

i'm slowly floating down this open cylinder, grey fog creaping down my throat, choking my breath. let yourself sink faster. softly fall faster with me. forget to hold on to the edges and drift through the ocean untill you wake up on a beach. shipwrecked. the darkness outside of your eyes is blacker than when you squeeze them tight. desperate to forget. dont lie to yourself please
xo

need two more words

i only ever dream, on the borderline of sleep.
winter wasting our teenage years
took the innocence with tears
i never want to see, the leaves shed their trees
stroke your fractured fingertips
kiss thoose iron bolted lips
he will always cry , under her glassy tides
fumbled wishes of tonight
feel it ticking till its bright

how did the colours come so blinding
taking the pathway to where your staning
feel the weather burn your wind dried eyes
its over till you break through all the lies

he stood quiet alone hiding in a corridoor
oblivious to her lazer gaze
she tries to find the perfect phase
notted bleached dipped hair, bitten finger nails
he tips the world to sea
he held that crumbled apple key
dressed to chnge the minds, of girls in '65
infinite tunnels echo madness
his body shakes off sadness
xo

tbc

i'd like to start love over
day dreams drifting on musical highs
spent nights on makeshift beds
makeshift hearts under bright stars
his dull eyes reflecting half smiles
bite lips, soak the saline
he always looks like hes failing
tbc still

manchester actually has nothern downpour

theres no way this light shower can wash much away
more than those innocent beds with sundried charm
or the lost in charm smiles sunlight wont forget
its hard to create a fantasy world when you cant think of a place you want ot be apart from the ever uinpossible steel strings
a distant coastline your feet paced yuear ago the ennlightening muse, awoking inner sense a deeper despiration than youd ever realise
desolate grassland, missing northern countryside
a lost sheep in your own hometown trainride
a trackling river meeting the destructive ocean
no wiser[wider] than that thin red line you grew to know
let me loose the morning they did nothing for me
except fill my lifeless bopdy with cafeen
spendt mornings gazing over little brick houses
a network of orange streetlight glow
channels of tarmac paths interwinding
the night life ford fiestas stealing adventures
i refuse to except its just your imaginations story
the sun begins to take over the opening of my eyes
instantaneous drousiness why not smile
sticky hands working for passable perfection
adult attitude left snow untouched untill summer


i spent my life chasing the moon only to find the sun wont sotp rising the ocean wont stop crashing the stars wont stop shining

but whats so special about the rain anyway except the way it brightens your eyes , and makes your hair messy that way..
except it make me feel, expect well
xo

well i guess this si learning

a smirking boy
graces the room glancing quickly, to the abandoned bar
stumbling girls, falling over crushed blown daydreams
flash a smile just to get an intoxicating gulp
oh come on did you ever really feel this enchanting boy possesed more than just a collected charm
the room is slipping like the shinning in your eyes oh the magics fading faster
your lips pressed tightly, the conceitment always pushing through
crowds jumping, faster than your heart could ever need to beat
eats your stomach the lining slowly wilting like the acid fourteen
parisital feeding at the young girls mind
dampened brown eyes your past will always flood right back
the days you werent superior praying for acceptance of a figures heart
with a wink you''l feel the pain and pressure stealing your memories style
xo

monkey ?

unopen hearts failing to open insecurities
standstills of breaking silences
the worlds that drip from injected lips, cracked
his eyes stick open refusal of the etched smiles
metamophasised promises of thanks
vivid imagery he burns into a heart
send me to sleep without feeling sunken
under the finger crashing waves
death of his saviour nature
a bound book of broken dreams snapped shut, just in sight
sharp like sharded ruby glass with a liquid
like flow, silver reflections between reflections
fingers searching for the point that carries it away
his eyes wince from behind filtering curtains
whos eyes were those? a playback of painful memory
on slanted writing and butter coated words
such glass edged wit, affection from yours truely
to try and sew a vein or an undepicted edge
make a vow to chance things for me
if he smiled for me i could master one too
roughened gritty picture perfected rememberings
xo

sorry for wanting this

just make it as surreal as possible if i can believe its something from a story. that it doesnt exist well then i cant fuck it up as bad. or at least if it all goes to hell. well it practically wasnt there to begin with so loosing it wont hurt as bad. sing it for me. or make it seem like one of those stories we used to read. anything that can fall apart as easily as the silence at the end of the song or the last page in a book. make it so the feelings are only temporary. superficial even. anything phantasmagoric. anything but love. because it will sting but only for a few minutes.
xo

minus the sleeping

he wears black when the sun shinning onto his artifically coloured hair
and likes to contrast in bright colours, blinding to eyes, when the rain is relentless

the girl she dances to his charm
the love we gave up on wanting just to feel alive
caught off guard, crying , sinking, shaking , smiling
just for the moon clinging onto lifes nightmares
lifeboat trainstops, 1:40 just to make it through
the birds falling, a friends who throws hearts
tryed in desperation, unlikely promises in time
yoghurt coated raisins, people watching ; life
compassionate nature: self doubt procrastination
wind blown through curly hair
dropped senses wishing for your wanting gase
awkward arms, strangling breaths and killing time

and he sees her fingers shattered
in her voice he hears the fractures
from the heart she wont abandon
the blood begins to fade

painless affliction
the way our veins sink ever deeper
a young girl singing softly at night
the way a mothers anger
can tip us that bit further
the melodic whispering mocking
but can you smile forever
at least give me one nights last starlight
the times you sit in fields
sweetly contemplating infactuation
the dreams you never wanted
the passion that lacks the company
your minds soft drifting harmony
you werent made for childrens longing
sinners hatred the time it wouldnt leave you smiling
ghosting over lustless smiles
chipped teeth framing a plesant heart
the one you needed to love
fragile borders, creeping slowly evr down
but will you laugh tonight
we're always falling every day every time
can you try to feel a thing

xo

and you'll see it through amzed eyes the way her hands shakes and her feet reverberate along the old worn pavements that your legs carry you over
xo

'come on' ;)

with her lips stained a certain colour of redish pink
and her face somewhat radiating a glow she can only find with a camera lense
her eyelashes shut tight heavy with black paint, leaking into her heart
she remembers the tree she sees him sitting under
a book in his hand and a subtle smile of a lost inside joke. the one her greyed out mind would cease to understand.
both so weary of the way the world is taking over all their head made problems
pull yourself from your pretty life. into your mind so untangeble and pessimistic.
she smiles gripping onto the coffee cup contrmplating just this once what her life could be
to sit once more under the trees, on dry grass a shade of natural green. the sunlight bringing out the reflection in her skin she tries so hard with makeup to hide. a lack of rainclouds the radiation of her skin negated by a warm summers day. another lack of rainclouds to darkern her heart and give reasons to excuse love.
she fixes earphones tightly into her ears desperatly searching for that warm lively beat, accompanied by the voice that somehow resembles amature dramatics, softly singing their way through a story. short but not sharp guitar strums. shes trying to cast away the feeling of longing, but its only getting worse. what she could imagine. the lost boys in this underground culture who have suceeded in their own kind of love. she knows lives fine and she can make it through the day. but she lacks that eye poping excitement, and colours contrasting the way photoshop aims to dream,
oh and speaking of dreams its a certain habbit of hers. to imagine even throughout the day throwing aside reality for whats shes searching for. if it exists in your mind it exists in from of your eyes. a life so poetic yet so tainted yet so magic.
she smiles,

xo

an unplesant balance of loss of self esteem and too high standards, bringing even the famous faces into shreds. oh and the heart beat, eyes blink, consant stream of pavement moving below your feet. that song that reminds you off rain. its the one that an old lover used to love. quiet in nature, and angry in emotion. blazing nightmares and concepts of new realisation that you aims are gonna sink and fail.even that instinctive line you hate to draw, your stopping it from trickling. as you quote soemthing thats you think you love, which sure as hell sounds poetic. yet the meaning its not quite there. a familiar face flashes in that mind of yours. or wait was it a dream of someone whos just a little make believe. and your asphyxiations , even they are a let down in the face.
oh god dont start something here
xo

in that moment, well you dont feel okay. but you feel slightly safe. you're scared your anxious, you dont want tomorrow to come. your dreading trying to sleep. you feel like your going to fucking throw up yet your empty of everything. but something makes you feel secure. it might be your favourite hour or the face of someone who knows you too well but you can feel the security pulsing through your head into your eyes. youve yet to cry. when you forced yourself to give up you must ahve subconciously thrown away your expression of emotion. fucking void. you wont cry however wet your eyes get they sting mascara incriminating your iris breaking and entering the threshold. chemical warfare your eyes are on fire but you wont fucking cry. yeah you dont feel so safe anymore. feeling sick, well thats biological its easy to explain, but you wont cry. your coffees getting stronger. and anyone you need isnt around. oh fuck this moment. the similarities you hate to admit it but theyre there. you cant embrace it but it makes you feel insane. but wait thats the new alive aint it?
oh tear strung magic infused with such a delicate mix of violet and violence. please cure me of such a life i have chosen to follow. such a madness that noone can diagnose or fix. this pattern of speech so free and careless. cant you see the sarcasm and utter misery. pain you mother fucker goes the girl with the elgent grace. its the anger in my voice thats making me morose. oh such a dashing smile, what a wonderful face. with a body to carry of such style, bitten waist. pleasure me young minion or i will doubt the fear. your eyes twinkle with the life we have yet to smear. oh darling cant you feel my fignertips burning brightly. that you for one may hold my hand and gaze softly and yet harshly.

love less lives.
fucking epitome of everything we've ever felt.
im screaming for anyone to save me. but i know when it happens it has to end. love dies. people die. i will die
whats the fucking point.
give me one good reason why i shouldnt speed things up abit
whatever happens everything has the same ending. heart break. literal or metaphorical
give me one fucking reason
xo

the tears rest on your eyeballs filling the spaces all around your lids
sunglasses in places your prepared your ready. yet they wont fall. your eyes sting from blurring over, you cant breathe unless its choked and full of disapointment.
youve spent so fucking long stopping tears, masking them disecting them open just anything to stop them from dripping down your cheek. when it comes to it. when your ready to finally let go you cant. your body wont allow it. theres a screaming in your head. to let soemthing out. show anything. frustration dominant.you cant. you dont know how. its been too long. your lost.
xo

the ghosts of your darkest moments gather together in a little circle.
they're eyes blurred and smudged into each other
not quiet clear
theyre pupils are dialated but you cant reallly see all that well
the vibrations of a distant voice hums you off to sleep. in this world you cant quiet remember
and every fucking hour you walk up, breath disjointed sweating heart breaking.
your alone in your small overly warm bed. yet youre freezing but covered in sweat
that dream you had it makes you want to be sick but your not sure that will help you to breathe will it
everything set out in such slow motion everythings lost. the sharpness blurs and pixelates, you cant smell anything every soung long and drawn out, almost like a lulabye mocking your lack of sleep. but your not a baby anymore. no far from it. your lost in this all too grown up world where youve tried caring and trying had failed you. wanting to feel anything had decieved you. and your not sure what angle to take. any fucking angel well it didnt exist. your scared that you have to be drunk to ring anyone in tears. you feel that cosntriction in your throat almsot like your about to be sick when your sat eating at the table. forcing food down you so your parents wont notice your eyes are watering from anything but the coughing. you wince away from their touch when the convsation might be getting just a little more than supericial you stand to leave. anything to avoid a break through. the walls you build from the age of 5 , they are starving you of everything you need to stay vitally alive... yet your not ready to call demolition just yet. your head hurts so 5 small pills slip past your tongue deep into where they cant be retreived. just be thankfull its no more. well im hoping so. you lie down all energy has been sucked from you. the caffeen doesnt have an effect anymore. your not sure it ever did. you can feel the fright in your mind. on your fingertips yet you arent late enough into the night to express it. let alone do anything about it.
you dont mind beign woken up at 8 in fact you plan it. 4 hours sleeps nothing to worry about. because your scared of sleep. the constant rewaking it brings. where your bitter mind slips and where it refuses to reach. and your twisted 'little' sister shes bringing back memories you dont want to see again. especially by someone whos such a distant figure. you dont want to admit youve given up. its the final strengh you held on to. your ability to be persistant, to keep trying. but you cant anymore long sionce have you relilised your not seeing results. youve have failed just as everyone failed your expectations. 'I dont understand you' its less than resentment in your voice its sharp and cruel designed to cause pain, guess what oh wise controlled one. i dont understand either and thats the beauty of it.
fuck
xo

your sat alone all so bitter. slowly crumbling untill you realise theres nothing left you can build back together. you have no plans. noone to take your wrist. and it stings . we all know it does
this time you cant escape
because you have nothing to escape from
just yourself
and that sickens you
xo

disipline

does i bother you that i have given you the world
so that when your little fingertips run not so smoothly across its imperfect surface it creates nothing but pain
does it offend you that only the words can mean so much more
becuase your actions are left in the background icy cold and comparitively heartless
because we all know that if we are writing something, it has to mean everything. nothing ever means nothing.
today my dear the scene i want you to picture is inside one of those bridges connecting survace stations over motorways. this time dear its darkened inside and the sun is setting as a background to the grey tired people in their emotionless cars. their days have taken everything away. the one in the red car well her sister just got diagnosed with cancer, she'll get home and find out she was saving her pain meds.
the blue car there. yeah that one. well he's thinking of killing his boyfriend. just so he can escape.
i hear the whimper in your voice as you shaking vibrates through my body, breaking the peaceful flowing melody.i wont acknowledge your tears. it would be just a litttle too much dont you think. i'm still ridged staring blankly my mouth miming the words to the song your singing, every so often its breaking but i'm still silent. i can feel the beauty of this tragic mess. but we cant get indulgent and allow recognition now can we. like we have to resist a second fix.we have to hold back too keep us leveled with reality. now thoose orange clouds clash with the pink ones. and none of it really matches the blue sky. yet i can feel how thankful we are. how grateful. because its not fucking ordinary white. i am still sat upright. your leaning in to my body trying to mould yourself into any curves im not straightening out. pathetic but im not one to give out the pity not on this level anyway.

okay snap back. i'm rubbing small circles onto your hand, just to keep you off your feet, im praying it will work. alll the detatchment and hate i try to keep intact. im still hoping to fucking god this will work. you need something to save you dont you. fucking admit it. you already have babes.
sit down and listen to yourself whimper, hand shaking eyes glazing over with you willingness to grab hold of composure,
dothisonemoretime<3
xo

imaginary nightmares

i am obsessed with this dream world
any one that i create in a moment free from calamity
fucking melodies that drift me off in a haze of non belief
enticement in its strongest form
time passing so slowly filled with a monthly rollercoasters
each second zas a heart beat
taking it slowly and in time to your breathing
just the imagination of your pretty night time eyes
just before the sirens of defence ring in my ears
theres just a few seconds time to allow a smile
a tingling of sober warmth before the guns are raised
the soldiers are marching in regular patterns
in front of the chain locked iron gates
a young girl playing just behind
whats she to do without the lack of a smile
landscaped sunsets counting down till twinkling stars
just waiting for the night long darkness
brought to light in daytimes avalanche

xo

this is how

realisation that i'm not alive
itchy eyes, silver tear tracked lines
memories faded faster than a few fucking photographs
nothing but the hollowness inside
caffeen induced sickness
sleepless induced comas
forgotten smiles
wasted lies
im through making attempts
i'm not going to make an attempt
i dont fucking care
i know im not alive
nothing but early hour numbness
communications faded and broken down
sweat and breathlessness
reverberating nightmares
strobe light flashing darkeness
of cold nights with starless skys
rain litter atmosphere
just to spark the shivering of dropped body heat
whispering quietnessi forgot to lie
tunneling failure
loss of fucking control
everythings empty
i'm not fucking alive
xo

read this ?

i said i'd never leave, never let go, always be there, always love you
well it wasnt a lie
it was sincere at the time
but if someone changes so fucking much how can you keep the same promises
and to be perfectly honest youd never notice anything anyway
and i kind of hate you for everything
but i hate it more that you wont listen
you dont care what anyone with genuine concern says
i cant fucking do it
i actually am so close to giving up. i never thought id say it
i hate what youve become more than you do.
soemday i wont even hate it , it will be nothing
but it means nothing to you becuase all you feel about anything realistic is nothing

thank you for being the one that actually makes me fight to stay awake late at night
thank you for being the reason i'm loosing my fear of sanity
thank you for not being scared
thank you for making me smile
thank you for the lack of turbulence
thank you for this security
thank you for the unconventionalism


thank you for soaking up my emotion
thank you for putting up with me
thank you for letting me lie on you

thank you for making me laugh
thank you for letting me sit with you
thank you for letting me be a bitch
thank you for taking the piss
thank you for staying home

thank you for sharing umbrellas
thank you for sharing the cold
thank you for being a lunatic

thank you for your hugs
thank you early mornings
thank you for shaking your head
thank you for shouting at me

thank you for the feeling of control
thank you for feeling necessary
thank you for your smiles
thank you for calming down

thank you
xo

this is me saying i give up
i know i've lost any control
this is me screaming
because i know im fucking scared
this is me singing
because i dont know what else to do
this is me loosing faith
because i cant get through..

lets hope this is the fucking end of everything
xo

we're covering something that i fail to breathe out
and the sweat that flows, cafeen through my veins
paradoxical sleepless nights
thinking way too fast to break out
nickle fast, open lips, looks that last
dreams filled with non pretense
such theraputic receeding hands
that meet with searching eyes
one beating smile, bang me blink
to feel this part of a tilted road
today we will try
and not just to fake that fucking posture
xo

this is going to be a fairytale for the tainted

i hope <3

closer

we walk confidently into the room
head up eyes down. the slightestflashes of faltering confidence
oh weighed down, unbreakable heart
just a tinge of a smirk of the past
keep your tears in, mouth faking smiles
and i promise you a drink
striding thighs, pick up your feet
squeezing fists, bone white knuckles
and an ever so pouting mouth
painted face, draw over restless eyes
to create the illusion of animation

i have a new option for you
you dont have to feel this way ever again
this new special bonus offer
it doesnt cut away all your emotions
keep what you want
just tick this box
on one condition.
this is the catch
you have to throw away your newly found buzz of unreality
the picrure perfect glamorous lifestyle
its paper thin baby
you love the attention
and i'm not gonna lie we all do
my little attention whore
do you want a trashy day-time saviour
?

xo

taintedlove

<3

doesnt this spin make a prettier picture?

you won't meet my eyess will you?
not that i've tried
and its not quite strobe lighting
and its not dark enough to hide faces
but its not a trick of a light we have no imperfections
its the difference between a photograph and an image
messes of cheekbones and outlined figured
synched and drawn and painted
the difference between film and catwalks
now no-one knows where we are
only so many people have seen
the royalties of contradiction
over discarded t shirts, and soaked lipgloss
i dont ask you to smile


may i thank you for being the only difference between detatched beating and anxiety

be fucking careful babydoll. you might be heading towards insanity

just a little overdone perhaps
but once again we'll see someone in a dark room
andits not our fault we are texting them as we are sleeping
it is kind of addictive
it might be a little fast moving
but when your best friends are so displayed
a silent boy, lost in his own flying fantasies
another crushed by calamity and 11 o clock goals
and the front of this attack on smiling face
its not quite infidelity
but its touching on total internal devestation
and you catch an eye, bite a lip, mouth a lyric
playing childhood games to pass the time
hands are banging, bodies jerking just in time
for this moment you can imagine
friend lead introductions
humour as ice breakers
swaying hips in time to the boys
the ones you'll leave with a smile and nod
but its only for a night?
back at home with late night tv
ears ringing, phones vibrating ?
tonight for once you'll fight sleep
instead of the struggle to grasp it
be very fucking careful babydoll
you might be heading towards santiy
xo

baby your eyes made me fall in love
with the most chemical shade of green
but i know when you come crashing down
it will be a push over the edge
of that metal fence i sat on
looking out at the darkened day
and the sparkling light
if i stay clinging on
you'll remain somewhere deep inside
your in my dreams
i tried to watch you sleep
i tried to copy your serenity
but i just got shallow breathing
carefull to keep my eyes tight
to catch the saline drip
funneling out from tear ducts
goodbye
you will be missed
xo

okay quiet...

infactuation
the word of the week
the word of the world
give me infactuation shallowly for apperance and the ever so cliched composure
give me infactuation for night skys and rain kisses
give me mental social psychological infactuation

the truth is, no matter what improvements you make the minute you drop your guard, close your eyes, drop that hand we're all gonna relapse or follow a new self medication
fuck this
or maybe thats just another
and what exactly is what we are aiming for?
how do you make someone better if their idea of okay if so fucked, its so far away from normality you could be spending your thinking atb a petrol station thinking your looking at the moon
how do you restore someone when your not sure what the goal is?
something so safe yet it corrodes your insides and outs.
babe your not gonna tell all your friends because one you want to protect and the rest you just dont want the quetsioning looks. it scares me.

tonight by the fuzzy glow of a cigaret and the heat of a lighter. possiblility strikes my mind. and the smoke you hold in your hand whats stopping me from taking it, everythings gotta end someday.
death could be everyones saviour.
gather round children i have something to tell you. something to sell you.
this is the new incredable miricle cure
it heals everything boys and girls,
at less than 20£s a go you'll be left with no symptoms.
it comes in many options
just find something to suit you
and a special offer today folks
heres a bottle of vodka
to assist our fabulous product
ladies and gentlement
for 9.99 i offer yoiu and end to your pain and misery
instantanious erradication of anything you've got
boys and girls i give you death


xoo

james i made you a song kinda...not this

the day she first met his eyes
the second their fingers claspsed
through the pain soaked protective gloves
she felt a pang of euphoria
and from the steel gray intensity she felt more than madeness
a love so unrequited she felt more than misery
now a little knockback hes slipping
over the edge shes taking to erradicate feeling
sunsets and fireflys
today, oh today my love
we may feel a little something
what our mothers cried about in films
our fathers pretended didnt exist
the schoolground rumours
emotion hideen tightly in a wealth of infidelity
her eyes are covered, smoked just too take away the light
cause it burns a hole in her safety
anything for absolute nothing
every emotion for anesthetics
today your not gonna be alone
but tonight your alone and gone

pleaseiloveyou
xo

dude

my radiator is turned up way too high
i can taste orange in my mouth
and yeah that tune it reminds me of summer, and theother well it reminds me off her
in this room
back to the days when it was all okay
when laughter and infactuation filled my mind
and its all so fucking simple
yet its what makes me know its okay
we only get this fucking shot why spend our time wishing for things. god im gonna fix everything
right now i know its going to be okay
it is
love exists
aliens may even exist, but you know what the world coudl blow up and it would be okay becuase life goers on and if it doesnt then your not gonna know
we are strong
we can do this
i fucking lvoe you all
dude if your love unreequieted yeah iuts frustrating but its gonna be okay
that just reminded me of it al
and right nowe i can actually see the colours in my room
sad songs, sweet lyrics and acosutic guiytar its okay
but dont get too involved in the sadness
blakcs fine and dandy
but its not even skin deep
god everything feels fine
and its ten o clock
maybe i will sleep rihgt tonight
maybe i wont
who gives a fucking fuck
xo

what if everyone feels the exacct same pain, but some people can just deal with itwhat if everyone is depressed or euphoric but some people are just strongerthen the weak just dont wish to be strong?and if i cant breathe, theres nothing to set a pace off of itbreathe with melisten to my heartbeatfeel my pulseall the vital signs nothing to compare and replicatewould you rather detatch yourself from everything and have nothing including no sorrowor suffer to have anythingself medication- oh too common amoungst thoose who lack the anethesis of scar tissuesarcasm off thoose who cant tell the truthif the brain creates what we feel cant it undo it?and this time as your sat under that very same tree...well the trees over grown the leaves all collected at the base in a soggy muddy mess. theres fire licking the outside of your skin, yet youve become such a carcass that the heat doesnt make you look away from your feetyouve yet to learn our cathartic guilty pleasuresyou put more and more and more itno your mind and body the opposite of a malnurished state. you rot from the indulgence of missfortune. not the lack of fullfillment.now lets re set thew scenethis time we're on a hilltop/ cliffface any point fo life or death. you can see death yet escape to keep going. this time we're together im not simply seeing you.we sit so close yet not touching in the same way that our feet are dangleing over into death, yet the danger is even more.the certaintly of death or a touch sparking eternal attacthment.the wind only adds to the danger becuase if it picks up it could throw us over the edge. in a similar way to a note that is lying unead in your back pocket. you discover it now , before im gone forever and it wi,ll push us into attatchmentand if we did die...but together it wouldnt be so bad. neither of us would even know.your dirty black car is only a few meters away from our spot. i lie back trying to ignore my irregular beating.'i dare you' i said a sparkle in my eye.'we dont even care'


i migth stop posting here i have a livejournal instead
xo

ahh ive run out

dont fucking cry dont you dare
ive said this before but its the most we can do
you can hear the same choking in your voice that i can feel in my throat
as we bite our lips and look up or down
in any fucking direction
to submerse ourselfs in restrain
deepen the shakes
forget the fact we cant breathe
its this shattering competition
holding out for something we both want
just to be the one not to cave, like drinking games, like sex
you know the silence means more than chocking sobs
heres to two thousand and eight being so much more
the feeling of just being content
heres to 2008 being the year that something gives us strength
or takes away our cowardice, to end it all
no matter what happens this has got to end
and in this very second our eyes meet
and in the next they're no longer dry
and our bodies are reciving delayed aches
we sink down opposite yet so adjacent walls
heads leaning back
we take in a deep breath that feels like poison
5,4,3 we're waiting for a signal
2... we searching for the evidence
1...we get up and walk away. into a corridoor so dark yet so familiar
and we can see i distant scene playing just below room volume
theres similing faces mocking our fright of blinking
yet theres a hint of bitterness of whats yet to come
but we know its in our mind
this corridoors no movie theatre
its the mind we know only to let sift away
idontwantthis
xo

whoa whoa whoa

back up back up
the sound effects got my head spinning
heart jumping as the record skips
attraction to the most filthiest whore
and oh look the boys got himself a lovah
and the last boy she kissed
it was definatly on the lips
only he was currently risiding with a boy
oh shes drunk and sleeping alongside her friend
the lights perfecting the imperfect
babe its all all haze of a headache of lust
her eyes yeah theyve lost their spark
she moves with a grace of swaying hips
licking lips and darting eyes
oh she cant resist
the boy she got down to last night
yeah the one sleeping by another mans side
he cant see for the sight of long locks
and a certain smashed culture ..oh intellegence
the floors vibrating sending pulses down his [ohh]
romancing him with a grinding beat
the rythmical stripping, drunken flashes
wasted, not the only thing thrown away
intoxicated and inebriated 'but i didnt know'
black outs and power cuts, stumble...
oh down into that ready made bed
and for him the pain was just to much
'oh mmm your much tighter than my last'
the tears and physical pain anymore
holding on till the sharpening edge
ever closerr....

that girl she took me home last night
my boyfriend must have given her quite the fright
cause he was sucking off another bloke
but hes my lovah
and shes another
xo