the ghosts of your darkest moments gather together in a little circle.
they're eyes blurred and smudged into each other
not quiet clear
theyre pupils are dialated but you cant reallly see all that well
the vibrations of a distant voice hums you off to sleep. in this world you cant quiet remember
and every fucking hour you walk up, breath disjointed sweating heart breaking.
your alone in your small overly warm bed. yet youre freezing but covered in sweat
that dream you had it makes you want to be sick but your not sure that will help you to breathe will it
everything set out in such slow motion everythings lost. the sharpness blurs and pixelates, you cant smell anything every soung long and drawn out, almost like a lulabye mocking your lack of sleep. but your not a baby anymore. no far from it. your lost in this all too grown up world where youve tried caring and trying had failed you. wanting to feel anything had decieved you. and your not sure what angle to take. any fucking angel well it didnt exist. your scared that you have to be drunk to ring anyone in tears. you feel that cosntriction in your throat almsot like your about to be sick when your sat eating at the table. forcing food down you so your parents wont notice your eyes are watering from anything but the coughing. you wince away from their touch when the convsation might be getting just a little more than supericial you stand to leave. anything to avoid a break through. the walls you build from the age of 5 , they are starving you of everything you need to stay vitally alive... yet your not ready to call demolition just yet. your head hurts so 5 small pills slip past your tongue deep into where they cant be retreived. just be thankfull its no more. well im hoping so. you lie down all energy has been sucked from you. the caffeen doesnt have an effect anymore. your not sure it ever did. you can feel the fright in your mind. on your fingertips yet you arent late enough into the night to express it. let alone do anything about it.
you dont mind beign woken up at 8 in fact you plan it. 4 hours sleeps nothing to worry about. because your scared of sleep. the constant rewaking it brings. where your bitter mind slips and where it refuses to reach. and your twisted 'little' sister shes bringing back memories you dont want to see again. especially by someone whos such a distant figure. you dont want to admit youve given up. its the final strengh you held on to. your ability to be persistant, to keep trying. but you cant anymore long sionce have you relilised your not seeing results. youve have failed just as everyone failed your expectations. 'I dont understand you' its less than resentment in your voice its sharp and cruel designed to cause pain, guess what oh wise controlled one. i dont understand either and thats the beauty of it.
fuck
xo