and you'll see it through amzed eyes the way her hands shakes and her feet reverberate along the old worn pavements that your legs carry you over
xo

'come on' ;)

with her lips stained a certain colour of redish pink
and her face somewhat radiating a glow she can only find with a camera lense
her eyelashes shut tight heavy with black paint, leaking into her heart
she remembers the tree she sees him sitting under
a book in his hand and a subtle smile of a lost inside joke. the one her greyed out mind would cease to understand.
both so weary of the way the world is taking over all their head made problems
pull yourself from your pretty life. into your mind so untangeble and pessimistic.
she smiles gripping onto the coffee cup contrmplating just this once what her life could be
to sit once more under the trees, on dry grass a shade of natural green. the sunlight bringing out the reflection in her skin she tries so hard with makeup to hide. a lack of rainclouds the radiation of her skin negated by a warm summers day. another lack of rainclouds to darkern her heart and give reasons to excuse love.
she fixes earphones tightly into her ears desperatly searching for that warm lively beat, accompanied by the voice that somehow resembles amature dramatics, softly singing their way through a story. short but not sharp guitar strums. shes trying to cast away the feeling of longing, but its only getting worse. what she could imagine. the lost boys in this underground culture who have suceeded in their own kind of love. she knows lives fine and she can make it through the day. but she lacks that eye poping excitement, and colours contrasting the way photoshop aims to dream,
oh and speaking of dreams its a certain habbit of hers. to imagine even throughout the day throwing aside reality for whats shes searching for. if it exists in your mind it exists in from of your eyes. a life so poetic yet so tainted yet so magic.
she smiles,

xo

an unplesant balance of loss of self esteem and too high standards, bringing even the famous faces into shreds. oh and the heart beat, eyes blink, consant stream of pavement moving below your feet. that song that reminds you off rain. its the one that an old lover used to love. quiet in nature, and angry in emotion. blazing nightmares and concepts of new realisation that you aims are gonna sink and fail.even that instinctive line you hate to draw, your stopping it from trickling. as you quote soemthing thats you think you love, which sure as hell sounds poetic. yet the meaning its not quite there. a familiar face flashes in that mind of yours. or wait was it a dream of someone whos just a little make believe. and your asphyxiations , even they are a let down in the face.
oh god dont start something here
xo

in that moment, well you dont feel okay. but you feel slightly safe. you're scared your anxious, you dont want tomorrow to come. your dreading trying to sleep. you feel like your going to fucking throw up yet your empty of everything. but something makes you feel secure. it might be your favourite hour or the face of someone who knows you too well but you can feel the security pulsing through your head into your eyes. youve yet to cry. when you forced yourself to give up you must ahve subconciously thrown away your expression of emotion. fucking void. you wont cry however wet your eyes get they sting mascara incriminating your iris breaking and entering the threshold. chemical warfare your eyes are on fire but you wont fucking cry. yeah you dont feel so safe anymore. feeling sick, well thats biological its easy to explain, but you wont cry. your coffees getting stronger. and anyone you need isnt around. oh fuck this moment. the similarities you hate to admit it but theyre there. you cant embrace it but it makes you feel insane. but wait thats the new alive aint it?
oh tear strung magic infused with such a delicate mix of violet and violence. please cure me of such a life i have chosen to follow. such a madness that noone can diagnose or fix. this pattern of speech so free and careless. cant you see the sarcasm and utter misery. pain you mother fucker goes the girl with the elgent grace. its the anger in my voice thats making me morose. oh such a dashing smile, what a wonderful face. with a body to carry of such style, bitten waist. pleasure me young minion or i will doubt the fear. your eyes twinkle with the life we have yet to smear. oh darling cant you feel my fignertips burning brightly. that you for one may hold my hand and gaze softly and yet harshly.

love less lives.
fucking epitome of everything we've ever felt.
im screaming for anyone to save me. but i know when it happens it has to end. love dies. people die. i will die
whats the fucking point.
give me one good reason why i shouldnt speed things up abit
whatever happens everything has the same ending. heart break. literal or metaphorical
give me one fucking reason
xo

the tears rest on your eyeballs filling the spaces all around your lids
sunglasses in places your prepared your ready. yet they wont fall. your eyes sting from blurring over, you cant breathe unless its choked and full of disapointment.
youve spent so fucking long stopping tears, masking them disecting them open just anything to stop them from dripping down your cheek. when it comes to it. when your ready to finally let go you cant. your body wont allow it. theres a screaming in your head. to let soemthing out. show anything. frustration dominant.you cant. you dont know how. its been too long. your lost.
xo

the ghosts of your darkest moments gather together in a little circle.
they're eyes blurred and smudged into each other
not quiet clear
theyre pupils are dialated but you cant reallly see all that well
the vibrations of a distant voice hums you off to sleep. in this world you cant quiet remember
and every fucking hour you walk up, breath disjointed sweating heart breaking.
your alone in your small overly warm bed. yet youre freezing but covered in sweat
that dream you had it makes you want to be sick but your not sure that will help you to breathe will it
everything set out in such slow motion everythings lost. the sharpness blurs and pixelates, you cant smell anything every soung long and drawn out, almost like a lulabye mocking your lack of sleep. but your not a baby anymore. no far from it. your lost in this all too grown up world where youve tried caring and trying had failed you. wanting to feel anything had decieved you. and your not sure what angle to take. any fucking angel well it didnt exist. your scared that you have to be drunk to ring anyone in tears. you feel that cosntriction in your throat almsot like your about to be sick when your sat eating at the table. forcing food down you so your parents wont notice your eyes are watering from anything but the coughing. you wince away from their touch when the convsation might be getting just a little more than supericial you stand to leave. anything to avoid a break through. the walls you build from the age of 5 , they are starving you of everything you need to stay vitally alive... yet your not ready to call demolition just yet. your head hurts so 5 small pills slip past your tongue deep into where they cant be retreived. just be thankfull its no more. well im hoping so. you lie down all energy has been sucked from you. the caffeen doesnt have an effect anymore. your not sure it ever did. you can feel the fright in your mind. on your fingertips yet you arent late enough into the night to express it. let alone do anything about it.
you dont mind beign woken up at 8 in fact you plan it. 4 hours sleeps nothing to worry about. because your scared of sleep. the constant rewaking it brings. where your bitter mind slips and where it refuses to reach. and your twisted 'little' sister shes bringing back memories you dont want to see again. especially by someone whos such a distant figure. you dont want to admit youve given up. its the final strengh you held on to. your ability to be persistant, to keep trying. but you cant anymore long sionce have you relilised your not seeing results. youve have failed just as everyone failed your expectations. 'I dont understand you' its less than resentment in your voice its sharp and cruel designed to cause pain, guess what oh wise controlled one. i dont understand either and thats the beauty of it.
fuck
xo

your sat alone all so bitter. slowly crumbling untill you realise theres nothing left you can build back together. you have no plans. noone to take your wrist. and it stings . we all know it does
this time you cant escape
because you have nothing to escape from
just yourself
and that sickens you
xo

disipline

does i bother you that i have given you the world
so that when your little fingertips run not so smoothly across its imperfect surface it creates nothing but pain
does it offend you that only the words can mean so much more
becuase your actions are left in the background icy cold and comparitively heartless
because we all know that if we are writing something, it has to mean everything. nothing ever means nothing.
today my dear the scene i want you to picture is inside one of those bridges connecting survace stations over motorways. this time dear its darkened inside and the sun is setting as a background to the grey tired people in their emotionless cars. their days have taken everything away. the one in the red car well her sister just got diagnosed with cancer, she'll get home and find out she was saving her pain meds.
the blue car there. yeah that one. well he's thinking of killing his boyfriend. just so he can escape.
i hear the whimper in your voice as you shaking vibrates through my body, breaking the peaceful flowing melody.i wont acknowledge your tears. it would be just a litttle too much dont you think. i'm still ridged staring blankly my mouth miming the words to the song your singing, every so often its breaking but i'm still silent. i can feel the beauty of this tragic mess. but we cant get indulgent and allow recognition now can we. like we have to resist a second fix.we have to hold back too keep us leveled with reality. now thoose orange clouds clash with the pink ones. and none of it really matches the blue sky. yet i can feel how thankful we are. how grateful. because its not fucking ordinary white. i am still sat upright. your leaning in to my body trying to mould yourself into any curves im not straightening out. pathetic but im not one to give out the pity not on this level anyway.

okay snap back. i'm rubbing small circles onto your hand, just to keep you off your feet, im praying it will work. alll the detatchment and hate i try to keep intact. im still hoping to fucking god this will work. you need something to save you dont you. fucking admit it. you already have babes.
sit down and listen to yourself whimper, hand shaking eyes glazing over with you willingness to grab hold of composure,
dothisonemoretime<3
xo

imaginary nightmares

i am obsessed with this dream world
any one that i create in a moment free from calamity
fucking melodies that drift me off in a haze of non belief
enticement in its strongest form
time passing so slowly filled with a monthly rollercoasters
each second zas a heart beat
taking it slowly and in time to your breathing
just the imagination of your pretty night time eyes
just before the sirens of defence ring in my ears
theres just a few seconds time to allow a smile
a tingling of sober warmth before the guns are raised
the soldiers are marching in regular patterns
in front of the chain locked iron gates
a young girl playing just behind
whats she to do without the lack of a smile
landscaped sunsets counting down till twinkling stars
just waiting for the night long darkness
brought to light in daytimes avalanche

xo

this is how

realisation that i'm not alive
itchy eyes, silver tear tracked lines
memories faded faster than a few fucking photographs
nothing but the hollowness inside
caffeen induced sickness
sleepless induced comas
forgotten smiles
wasted lies
im through making attempts
i'm not going to make an attempt
i dont fucking care
i know im not alive
nothing but early hour numbness
communications faded and broken down
sweat and breathlessness
reverberating nightmares
strobe light flashing darkeness
of cold nights with starless skys
rain litter atmosphere
just to spark the shivering of dropped body heat
whispering quietnessi forgot to lie
tunneling failure
loss of fucking control
everythings empty
i'm not fucking alive
xo

read this ?

i said i'd never leave, never let go, always be there, always love you
well it wasnt a lie
it was sincere at the time
but if someone changes so fucking much how can you keep the same promises
and to be perfectly honest youd never notice anything anyway
and i kind of hate you for everything
but i hate it more that you wont listen
you dont care what anyone with genuine concern says
i cant fucking do it
i actually am so close to giving up. i never thought id say it
i hate what youve become more than you do.
soemday i wont even hate it , it will be nothing
but it means nothing to you becuase all you feel about anything realistic is nothing

thank you for being the one that actually makes me fight to stay awake late at night
thank you for being the reason i'm loosing my fear of sanity
thank you for not being scared
thank you for making me smile
thank you for the lack of turbulence
thank you for this security
thank you for the unconventionalism


thank you for soaking up my emotion
thank you for putting up with me
thank you for letting me lie on you

thank you for making me laugh
thank you for letting me sit with you
thank you for letting me be a bitch
thank you for taking the piss
thank you for staying home

thank you for sharing umbrellas
thank you for sharing the cold
thank you for being a lunatic

thank you for your hugs
thank you early mornings
thank you for shaking your head
thank you for shouting at me

thank you for the feeling of control
thank you for feeling necessary
thank you for your smiles
thank you for calming down

thank you
xo