wish you were here

the pen moves over the paper like the ghost in your childhood nightmares but your hand grips it and drives it in an artistic direction.it flows like the river you can only dream of escaping to. a life that can only exist in the sleep that will not come. yet your moving to a far off place your head sinking into a pillow, eyes on a white like canvas page. and your past memories one by one drip into your emptyed mind, powering the need to keep the ink staining the paper
oh fuck its you again :)
xo

urgh

what am i supposed to say
but i cant can i i cant say a fucking thing because that means that once again youve prove what we both know that your a fuck load stronger than me, and that you dont need me but i need you. im thinking if you fucking care or owe me shit you should at least say hi anything
say anything
but i cant think of anything to say but i feel it coming in like the rain thats drifting in on the summer that was supposed to be so amazing its covering every hope of the sunshine-every hope of what i wanted.
and the sleep is drifitng away and where id talk to you i have noone its fucking pathetic i dont even know if your alive...really. and nobody had told me your not okay so i hve to trust you are, but that trust died the day we said nothing more than fuck you. no amount of kissing in the rain and escaping friends who misunderstand, or living in the twilight[your favorite time] can fix a broken heart. and i know your getting over your frist true love but cant you spend a minute to think about someone you once cared about alot .aparently but does that matter as much as when said i love you. and every step is more uncertan and more and more feelings, feeling that get mixed up in a blender with things i dont understand. and how can i not understand something that is basically what ive done.maybe if i could write things as poetically as i wish [ god i keep mentioning that] id be able to reread and fugure it out but idk the swiftly moving tide has to sweep back over again before i can at least take a shot at it
note to self i miss you terribly...
we still wont feel anybetter
xo

urgh

its like fighting some addiction
i am actually having to hold myself back
its fucking harder than id think
maybe im gonna get a new account btw
xo

for heaven sake

things are no different from when i last saw you
and i couldnt fucking breathe
xo

Dont blow your mother fucking composure

the sunset looks truely beautiful again
in the same way you used to look in my eyes
when your in love with someone[thing] it looks so much more beautiful
and the storm just contrasts so much and makes you look so much better
maybe thats why i feel so much like when i'm with you i could die and it wouldnt hurt anymore than it already did. oh and that door to your heart is always gonna be locked shut isnt it. you got over your first true love, but what if the red only makes my heart beat faster
and sometimes the public cant have what they want, cause that was happiness and lets face it thats just a conspiricy
thisheartitbeatsbeatsforonlyyou
and when this all goes to hell will you be able to say your sorry with a straight face
turns out you couldnt
xo

make you smile =[

i dont care if i know what i'm doing is wrong...destructive...non-progressive.blame me for only wanting to surround myself with people and things sunken back in my history and past, the things i can be invovled with without being brought back to the future. if i remember the past what it was like how it felt i can avoid feeling the future. because to be oh so perfectly honest the future is the source of all my problems. the past will always be their and i'm not going to forget but the future brings it to life and fuels it with meaning...gives me a reason to be afraid. and this could even be party stolen from i harry potter book i'm not sure anymore but we only fear dying because of the unknown so if we fear the unknown we most certainly fear the future as all it is so unknown, our only hope is the past is only the future with the lights on.and just for the record harry potter shares some of the same ideas as lullaby by chuck palahniuk. the most intellectual of sources arent always the most intellegent...insightful.
and if i was to leave my house tonight and just run away...from everything...i would find myself making the same mistakes, killing the same dreams...loosing the same friends. because do i truely ever learn from myself?
and you can look at something someone is doing that is completely positive and realise the sadness of the world. there are people stuck in lower social classes and people only claim to care. if they really did they wouldnt look in distaste when they saw 'the scum of the earth'. seriously there are charities campagning for just about every fault in the world and it wouldnt be necassary if the people who really have the power to make a difference could care. but has communism ever been sucessful?
if i really didnt care i could ignore everything i have no reason to respond...but maybe the fact i care enough to press a button and spend about 10p is enough to keep anything going. and i'm not talking about anything that changes anyones life anymore. time changes everything so things have to get worse or better
its all a game of this or that now vrs then better off against worse for wear amd you're someone who knows someone who knows someone i once knew i choose that,then,and worse for wear
honestly
you constantly rot my mind
xo

xo

you truely took my breath away once
you honestly stole words from my lips
you really camisado-ed my sorry ass heart
thats all im pretty angry at you right now
three cheers for the times weve spent[ thanks mayday parade] and i couldnt care less
i hope you had the mother fucking time of your life
[good riddance]
xo

to him...

i like you so much
this is for you
it doesnt mean much
but its more blatent than your other mentions which are mixed in with other shit
so yeah im fucking falling in love with you
ily
you know who you are
xo
xo
xo

long live the car crash hearts
cry on the couch till the poets come to life
long live the car crash heart you fuel the creativity the inspiration and the healing, you keep my poets coming to life. long live disaster. one day youll look back on it with fond memories
one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
baby you chased away my fears i may be crying becuase my emotions are hooked on someone else whos breaking me and left my heart still shattered but you make me feel okay again you made me smile. for longer than anyone else for a long time. you let me feel. real and love.
baby dont let go of me dont even look away i dreamed of the disaster seeping in and i can take any of it but leave me and the disaster wont interrupt the thougts in my mind, you could beat me till im black and blue, but youd still stay with me and give me anything i wanted i could survive...baby its a fact ... i dont wanna live without you...we could run untill we reached the ocean because after the first time i see you i wont be able to beat it easily ill have to escape with you to see the sunsetting over the ocean and ill have to live their in your arms becuase id never want to loose it. we could start a new life and nothing else would matter...as long as you dont look away.
someday tourists would come and intrude the peace we had built and all metaphorically you would turn and look away. and im not going to lie i know itsnever gonna happen baby...we cant escape and leave things behind but take a piano and a guitar and we can create the images and hold them in our hearts and minds. baby its a fact ive fallen for you i dont want to slip away...with every anxiety filled breath i take i take one step nearer to your open arms and travel away from his angry eyes. and i could have died with you i hope you choke on those words that kiss that bottle.confess. so burry me in memory now ash yourself yeah out on the insides said i loved you but i lied...its true, but no matter what you do im still gonna rescue you but this time ill walk away from the gurney without waiting for you to wake up...and i wont be alone. and if my breathing stop along with my heartbeat i couldnt care less becuase i know someone thinks more of me than you ever did. and they did lie.
how come words, the things we use everyday have the ability to be crafted in a certain way to make us live die and can commmand our entire feelings. they save us and can be overwhelming, yet anyone can use them .' beauty is power in the same way money is power in the same way a gun is power' but words are different they are so accesible yet it takes a special person to change them to have an effect. these people i want to learn to become one... more than anything...that has got to be true power... the power to influence the power to belive... like a 'lullaby'
my flow of thoughts and words have run dry
bring me the brain of ryan ross, pete wentz,chuck palahniuk or anyone who can help me continue... you could make me write all day
xo

half of this is quote from songs and people i listen to

'part of the no future generation'
its not just a quote of a shitty emo kid t shirt [not my views]
kids in this generation have no hope of ever escaping the fate
lets face it if you live in lower class your not gonna get any better your school will suck and if your upper class your gonna spend your money supporting these people
the nhs makes shitty desisions- a tattoo will be removed from a transvestite but a cancer patient will die... baby its a fact
baby we're invinsible ...and its the only hope i have left to hang on..
but i know its a lie someday you'll beat me, or cheat on me, or leave me with no explaination..and maybe thats what i crave..because then i can have a reason to go crawling to 'my hero' whoever it willbe that time.. or even someone from my past with a solid reason... and 6 month stale relationships no longer count outside of my head house and bed
i climb i slip i fall reaching for your hands

the academy is... cute is what we aim for fall out boy taking back sunday

would you belive me if i said:
i didn't need you,
i not scared stiff and not sure how to deal with it
i'm not falling fast
my insides are copper i'd kill to make them gold
i don't need umbrellas on the inside to keep me dry
i'm not a sucker for a sweet talker
i'm not a sucker for those famous faces
i could have died with you.
cause i wouldnt belive you if you said the same to me

<3 to the writers of these lines
cause i couldnt match you ever
i heart andy and such
xo

what are we fighting for [ this is bullshit]

if the world was like some pop art drawing, with bold clear lines, bright colours, and over exageration with a little speech, i'm not sure things would move too fast. we spend our lives desperatly wasting time and wanting things to come quicker. so fast we miss that hole thats growing bigger and bigger the way a motorcyclist would miss a hole in the road because the speed blurrs things into one gray/black surface. the texture is almost lost. oh save your wasted breath, theres bigger cracks in this society today. shush dont cry for just yourself, your worlds not the only one crashing down. you crawl into bed and you are critisied for skipping on life. well they are rushing it you decide whats worse. every move they make damages something in whatever is needed to be kept so perfect. what harm am i doing lying in bed doing nothing but breathing.sure im not doing anything to help but i am not destructing anything but myself.
and your 'golden' touch is icy from the love thats been sucked from us both. and i could be wrapped up inside his arms laying in a crowded park but feel so alone. but the alone where you feel safe and secure with only one person to harm you...but they love you. but i want to let go. to let my self be taken advantage of to let myself slip into to pain that will drown me like a relentless ocean sucking me under, rendering me powerless completly under its control only to be washed up on a distant shore days later. lifeless and completly motionless. and hes the one searching the one that cares, the one i need. but my eyes only flicker open when im needed to be used again. i'm never going to be ready but i appear to be. and i may be controling things i felt submissive to before but ultimatly i will give in. it takes one sigh one second where you hold me. one time when you call for me..when you want me to rearange my thoughts and make me feel a completly different way. and then your name flashes onto my screen alerting me from my distant trance you were very much the centre of. i hold my breath hoping for an answer. the answer that cant exist.
oh i wish i could magicaly create one liners and such beautiful words i have only seen on a few occasions, maybe then i could make my own world feel less alone
i fucking heart you
you taught me everything it was to feel anything i feel. you make me understand. you helped me out. but now im slipping under
save me again
ill try not to fuck up this time
xo

take me away from here

she mutters that she likes him but its all a little hidden in the heart thats beating too deeply too quickly for someone else. the other person that she feels oh so at home with her head against his body, the one she hates herself because she still cant get over, the one she can never have. the one that she looks at with beauty reflected in her tears. the one she still cries for so long after. and he still lets their bodys colide innocently and reaches out to touch her when her hearts slowing down. she still belives in every word he gives to her even though the past evidence tells her to run away. shes scared to the point of returning, her nails chewed her breathing too fast. he wanted them to last forever. did he fucking ever speak truthfuly. yet hes the only one she wants touching her when she cant hold back the emotions shes fighting with, and he allows it. and hes fucking in love. with another girl. the girl too perfect to let the candle light shine from anyone else
i fucking love you still
i do like you i think =[
xo
lets escape this pain together with our hands and heart entwined.

my deepest regrets and my best made plans

i'm not in love. and i guess i'm scared its not gonna happen. that whatever feelings i have for you wont grow, and i dont want to hurt you. or im scared i will begin to do something stupid. a common mistake like start to need you. then youll discover i'm nothing special. like the t shirt you only ever wear inside the house. and youll grow onto something new and ill feel the detatchment and try to move closer to glue it. i will fail and the glue will be ripped off and leave an open wound. either way unless my feelings change its gonna hurt me and maybe you as well. i have been searching for this for so long and now i feel so afraid. and im afraid to admit im afraid. maybe ill feel safer in your arms but i have to wait for that. and i dont want it to come too quick untill im sure i wont feel more alone. i need you to be my security. i want you to be open about your feelings because then i will get attacted and ill be the only one hurt. but right now im not feeling as vunerable and emotionaly declined as my first shot. and to be perfectly honest why should [ would ] you want me ... why would i be anything special ... im not physically appealing and emotionally and all that jazz im just as good as anyone else.
my fingers are crossed whilst i promsie the world to you
xo

lots of things[love]

so i was thinking about war on iraq and bombings and segrigation and lots of stuff like that and having discussions with my father about it and i was thinking fuck this is very fucked up. i made the statement ' i wouldnt ever do anything like that' but so would these people when they were kids. the things that fuel it, hatrid, tradition, racism the way people are brought up they are there even in some of the most civilised familys i know. whso to say in some years they dont attact plastic explosives to themselves and get on a plane. some people who come from the most decent familys have that fuel that drives them the hate the anger the resentment. whos to say they couldnt do the same.

so i was thinking that the worlds fucked, im lucky that all i have is just normal things but the world is fucked and id love to save it. then i read a message a guy sent to pretty much my best friend about how much she means to him and that kinda thing and i was like this is why we are alive.this is what life is about. the reason everyone hasnt given up on life. and however sucky things are in the world love, or lack of it, effects your heartbeat.
stay in love mother fuckers
and dont be afraid to dance in that fucking rain you dont know who might love how beautiful you look in the rain.
and the question better off against worse for wear
im not too sure. both are equally important. think about it
much love and fucking all that jazz
have sex you could die in a bomb tomorrow fuck sex after marridge dont regret thigns for too long if they effect only you
my heart is still beating
xo

goodbye/hello

hearts and all that jazz

you mean too fucking much to me
but i dont want you too.the fucking truth

to the person who im hoping will become that special star i cant wait
yeah (l)

hearts and fucks and hugs and kisses and anything else that comes in between

true-motherfuckinglove


xo

the world thinks im crazy to let you go... bye bye beautiful... i know you well enough to know you never loved me <3

fuckerr

oh you fuck me up so bad... and if you were to fuck me it would be harder and faster than anything i could have. just because thats how youve fucked me before.youve fucked me good and proper and thats without getting your penis out... i didnt get that till later...oh you fucked me good and proper..and you'll never stop. ill hold that fucking gun and you can help point it or your fingers can be on the trigger.you can have it anyway. we both know it was fucked from the fucking start. we were never meant to be fucking together