crashing hips because the hearts already been smashed to bits xo

i'm about to walk into a room i love and have too many emotional connections to in under an hour. fuck ive even cried in that room. ive spent too much of my life at my most vunerable in there and let people into my heart sat on that chair. and ive healed abit more ever since my last visit fuck knows if it will break me down to enter the room. but i have more amazing memories and its one place i feel fully safe. maybe the only place. thank you, who know who i may be being looked after by others now but your always gonna stay with em i feel its the truth so dont stop it. i wanna smell it qand all that jazz again wow i cant wait i apologise 100 times if im all emotional yeah. xo


Her nails hurt to look at from the bright neon glow. She hides the dullness and apathy with the brightness of makeup and hair dye. It’s like her powders and pills even the intoxicating fumes help her to get off. Oh and that picture she wished was personalised with a note or two lies next to a glow stick and her flashing memories .she only hopes that he’s moving for two, kissing for two, touching for two, loving for two. Cause its oh so fucked not to be on fire, without her starting it.

random thoughts anbd feelings, i use her refering to me so fuck yeah
xo

i'm

not even gonna try to claim i'm all that different. in fact i'm going to do the oposite. yeah i'm pretty much the same as every other real fan. but most fans would travel halway across their country/state/whatever to get to a show. theyd travel as far as they could if it wasnt for other commitments, parents or money.i think im gonna try to stop now because im not even sure i know what i'm getting at here.
. my maths teacher said 'everything seems big in a teenagers life'.thats what people think of teenagers. but in this case it wasnt. its the sort of thing you read/hear about and think fucking hell.
and when it happens that close to you you get scared.that what i was, scared. of course i felt everything that everyone else feels when something goes wrong for someone.
but the world is a fucking scary place. adults dont think we know it yet.
but we could know more. think slow motion. adults are more sheltered than kids. it happens to us more than them. their own protection shelters them, they arnt in school witnessing bullying and everything else. they arnt the ones doing drugs at partys[okay before i carry on this i the majority] they arent the ones getting comments shouted at them if they walk down the street. whatever they wear, either for dressing strange. or old men hitting on them. they arnt the ones laying down with something they feel new things for someone and doing new things. they are shocked at how the world is in the news but it happens every fucking day. adults arent experiencing it now[on the whole] every day things that shock them.that they want to protect us from. they have either forgot or things have changed. for example video ratings music etc. what we are the ones who are gonna fuck someone new soon if they havnt already we are more likly to try drugs now or soon. we swear. we arent always as sensitive to violence. i know not all of this is strictly techniqualy true and there are many execptions and things.but seriously i didnt start of with the intention to write this, but it came to me, and i felt it was important.

lets get fucked up and die

i think it only hurts because i know what i have let go of. its not that i want YOU back its i want someone back. i want thoose feelings back. i want to be your best friend because anything else hurts too much. i dont feel the same way for you but it hurts that your not my best friend ... i have got over the loss of a boy and now i have possibly lost a friend. and that hurts. i sacrificed so much to talk to you through the night when to be perfectly honest no one else could, if they even wanted to. the fact is i wont be sleeping whilst youre in pain. i wont be closing my eyes untill i have pulled you down from whatever ledge you have stepped upon. and just to laugh with you and get caught up in the shit with you is something. i want you to want something. you say you owe the world to me but that doesnt mean anything. you can owe the world to me and regret that, resent that. i owe these feelings to you and i regret that . i want you to want to owe more to me and come to me. and to sleep together at night when we know we wont do too well on our own. and then go back to whatever [love] life we might have. i dont need to be in love with you but i love you ...i want to be in love with someone else. and i feel i have reached a point where i can let go of whatever we had and pin down our friendship for later so i can move on. move onto whatever is waiting for me. my friend told me to be optimistic that good things will come of it . so im not going to claim they wont and ill pretend i belive things are gonna happen.
i do love you
xo

i know you well enough to know you never loved me :i don't do too well on my own

The now crumpled note flew from my fingers and pathetically gave up flight only a few metres from departure. Not far enough to dissolve the ‘its over’ s and ‘I wont miss you’ s but just past the space that blurs them. A photograph acting as the wrist that rotates and twists the knife further into my aching body. I know it been said so many times before but who could I go to now. One letter burnt away everything I felt safe with.
And the room became different glowing lights and fizzy shapes as the water messed up the rays before they hit my eyes. I guess my hair wasn’t the right shade for him. My bones weren’t aligned in quite the same way as hers. I didn’t have the figure of one of those girls he wanted me to be.
Every colour I could make out stopped me from wiping my own tears; because I knew any clear picture would make memories stronger. When I couldn’t hide under the unnaturally comforting nothingness, my bed covers created with blackness anymore, I’d have to catch sight of his face across a filling room. Id drop my eyes to his hands, the ones that would move to touch me, arms that ‘wouldn’t let go’.
And I knew if he ever came back he’d be under my fingertips because I couldn’t hate him until I stopped hating myself. He made sure that wouldn’t happen. He had power over me like an artist with a stash of coloured paint. He wanted me angry- the artist painted me red. Hand that artist green- make me jealous. An artist can rip up their work, shred it to tiny pieces and throw it away from them. Never have to worry about it again.
I watched him cry I had tried to laugh with him, and now it came to this. Shame I threw away the wrong words, but it flashed past me. Like spotting someone on a rollercoaster. You know they are there but the sight is too mixed up to be able to point them out. Too brand new and coded to save " I love you".
I wasn’t falling- that was before this, I feel for him- I had hit the floor and a crowd had gathered in the street. An ambulance on its way. It’s a shame the world is only awake from the mid-morning coffee and it takes visible bleeding of an unconscious body to have an ambulance called. It takes a dead women to relies her husband is a murderer. It takes something to be too late for the rescue teams. A flooded eye, to a flooded bath, to a flooded city. We can only measure time, we can not make alterations, and we have to hope the car crash has pretty flames. Everyone will do to your funeral but they won’t all be at your party only weeks before.
And that pen he picked up will be used to write down a phone number. He won’t need to discard it to detach his head from the scars.


i only posted this because i haven't posted anything in a while and idk i feel i should. i dont usualy post anything that is fiction... but i guess this is based on truth tbh becuase it is just exagerated truth. And it is based on me and a boy. a boy i know a boy i have been involved with so its not about anyone famous or anything. and the title is very significant but i'm not gonna explain it on here
plus it would take too long
yeah
xo

i think i have figured it out

i said i love you to try and grab hold of something
to cling to somethign that was going to fade anyway
i knew it, you knew it
i just hoped that maybe it would matter to you
i dont know if i ever did love you
i guess i was hoping it would give me some more time to figure out, and the pain i felt was over coming me and made me desperate
i should have realised it causes alot of distruction to pull it back
i had to pretend and live with it even if it wasnt true
im still trying to figure out
maybe ill never know who knows
ill have to wait to fall in love to find out
and then i will say it when everything feels too right
like the times under the bright city lights with the cold drizzle as good as tears washing away the pain
i wont make the same mistake
it was a mistake
but i dont know if it was a lie
if anyone knows you might be able to get those words out of me yourself
and i guess i wont need msn to do it if i need to
xo

keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you

i care thats what stops me forgetting. and at night when its just us two hanging on untill the light comes or sleep washes over your there for me and you can show how you feel and how you care. you pull my shit and i do the same to you. we love one and other. your ways of letting me know you're there make me care.
not much else to say i dont think.
xo