I feel like I'm hurtling through space being flung around from place to place,empty. I'm not going home. Home is where you fuck me; feeling closer to life than anything. Where I feel. And everything is golden and shines, it's blurry and fast and safe. Yopure where the bleakness ends, but where it starts.

i have been abandoned
the colour slowly dissolves
and filter and fade
you stole the spark
the fire and burning
now i fall into a mould
of slate, black hard
cancerous cunt

'But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.'

'You are the one solid spaces stand upon, envious'

i want to touch you

the rain covers the dispersion of your smell
i know if it makes a month i won't be left to cry
you cant hide from what i'm trying to say
because its held in the image you gave me

the power of the potency of the past, is contricting me. i know what i felt, what i knew, the thoughts that slashed my mind at 4 in the morning when all they were surroun ded by were the thick density of foggy mass. the slight variations between numbness and nothingness and nothingness and normality. we all want to feel nnothing or feel numb or to feel normal, but we never want to feel nothing or feel numb or to feel normal. the depth and complexity wraps over the normality binding in a knot over my eyes. it prevents my from the power of observation. i have nothing new to write but the continual destruction and decandence we witness before. the numbness, the nothingness the normality is the blindness. . and suddenly after a day of tragic tales i start to notice. i can see. in the moment i stop thinking about whats gone and begin to witness it comes back.
you use your attitude as an excuse. dont judge me because it's in my nature. it's my attitude i cantt help it. well genius is often drawn from insanity. and every tragic boy sitting in a desolate corner. thursting the story of your despondancy to everyone and anyone. well some miracle doess't come along to every single one and save them till they keep blaming their nature untill their death

i met a girl who once
confessed her secrets to a fool
who'd made all the same mistakes this afternoon
but kept them burried under the moon
she spat out her troubles like red wine
never let her life start to shine
kept it polished with vinagerette
dipped in coffee sealed by the fire
burnt her mouth when it all came out
that she loved him in the showwer

will you come and read to me soon i can't see a thing

just ring me on your drunken walk home
tell me that you scared and need me tonight
your feeling scared, and your eyes are watering
because the worlds been hurting you,
and your skins been feeling too soft
because the worlds sharp to me too
and i dont believe in any more sleep
the cold rain and falling mushy leaves
will calm me down, and chill my skin
preserving the bones and the love
my eyes are too open i've noticed to much
but the worlds been skipping by
flinging me off, letting me flail
the months passed too quickly
my bodies filled with caffeine and alcohol
i swore i'd never end up the way
that my parents had shown me in their
boring office jobs
intoxicating their minds with legality
just to break to dull and numb
just for some action
to feel
to love

three nights ago i slept in my memory imprinted sheets
soaked in fear and complacement and longing
you talk, your recycled breath filling my mouth with a bitter taste
we stumbled about searching for affection, craving to be loved
learnign about attention,
i want my sheets to be soaked in your sweat
my lips swollen and my throat sore
my wrists bruised
fucking violate me
the worlds hanging on the brink of war, violence, and ocnfusion
make me feel safe, by ripping away all my security
everythign that i hold onto take away
it takes some effort to truely decomposed
to be left as nothing, to find yourself you've got to loose everything
you are everyhting, you are nothing, you to me are an idea
i see what you mean to be, not what you are
i see you lying on my bed
i see you shaking
ill suck the acid from your teeth
ill drink from you, ill feed myself form anything but your emotions
we dont exist anymore
i cant feel you anymore
so blinded and so empty and so pushed together

when i woek up this morning i felt i couldnt see through my eyes
i've ignored my photographic memory, till i cant see anything at all
my head feels empty and lightless, stuck in an empty distance space
if i try i can picture myself lay on the ink sky stain post red path
tears rolling back into my eyes, trying to soak the insignificance of me
compared to the stars, so i pick myself up and stroll to his house
hes standing at the door, and he doesnt get it yet he takes me in his arms
but i remember when you kissed my hair, it feels like im dissolved now
everything stinging my skin, the flashes of the movement of your hips
i'm choking on my words remember the declarations are in past tense now
we joked that id cry for contact when the distance was linked by time
but the proximity makes me cry, the music makes me cry, the tears hurt my eyes
i know its a waste of time but the bondage keeps me holding on

well one day we sat under the sunlight
and i thought how soemday you might use my voice
to amplify your thoughts when you felt like your skin had dissolved
but now i walk an extra ten minutes down the road
just because i dont want to walk alone
no because im scared of being alone
and now i've been told i'm fucked up
and you think that i am deulded
but somepeople say im stupid for feeling insane
and a car drove past with someone i forgot i'd met
and they looked happy and content with just a hand under their chest
it will be another hour till anyone else comes home
my mother and my father they are scared of being sure
and my sister has run away from moving away
my curtains are closed and my window is open
and the sunlight is makign shadows on my mirror
and i know you will hate this
and if youre proud of me, youll still hate this
but youre not a man whose in it for the fuck
and i know id always hate that
and its been 4 days since youve been concerned
and im concernd

the fact is you work, to work hard. to work harder. to work hard in a place that is both monotonous and infinite. or you dont work to not work. and this isnt acceptable. well.
sometimes when i think i think as if it if a scene that will happen in the future. but of course it wont
and soemtimes in my thoughts i sound the way i wish i did
but the trouble is youre either too empathetic or unsympathetic. either way you loose out
either way youre fucked

eu te amo

i look up at you and notice we'll never be who we want to be
but as the music washes over our over open eyes
we know that it feels quite safe lying here if we can close our eyes
as we drink coffee you'll shake your head at the aspartamme that i'd say with an e
but i'll say baby this is sacarine, the same as from george orwell
and if i didnt lvoe you i loved the idea of who you were
the idea that you wanted to be, the people that we see
and if you didnt love me thats okay, we'll cry tonight
but tomorrow i'll watch you try to to pass through the days
we'll hold hands and skip towards the acid decay
becuase a friend once said once youre happy youre fucked
and it irrated you when id leave the apostraphe out of my words
but i'd smile and say it was artistic liscene that made me stop
and if i hear that lyric from your screen name, i'll gasp in shock
and i finally realise exactly what it means, and you laugh
and i'm sorry for laughing at the future and applogise for looking at the past
you're just someone wishing you were someone wishing they were someone else
tonight i'll love you for giving me photographic memories
and making me cry from more than just the way things look
but when i can smell you on my clothes this is nothing more profound
but i laughed at your plans and i laughed at your eccentricities
we never really meant to get this way
we never really thought we'd find this again
but you'd never really believe just how old i currently feel
when i watch you're eyes react to the turning of the time

is this working

i feel like running
i feel like flying
when you wake up in the morning everything kinda looks shitty

wow im part of 2% how special :\

x

my friends lvoed me when i stopped saying crazy things
they'd drop my hand take em far away and whisper to run away
you loved my eyes but they are just snesory organs, left for significance
its hard to tell you but when you don't smile its kinda painful
you cant sit and hold someone when they wont answer youre calls
its hurts because its a reflection of the way i think
we can sit and drink coffee and rasberry tea and watch the clock tick away the morning
times lioke this the pain doesnt make you feel sane
and your hands tremble and your shaking in the light
ill take your fingers and lace them through mine
but baby i'll stay awake through the night
jut to wake you up with the news you're still alive
and i'm making your coffee today

i may ask for a refund on predeterminism

the fact si. tis not that you were special. the idea of you is special. really you're just someone trying to be that idea. anyone can try to be an idea. in fact everyuone tries to be an idea. but i fell in love with that idea. i remember how when i got sadwe were past asking what it was about. we were past believing any lies. you cant fake the same lies that they tried last week. even when its dark and you feel weak. you cant sleep so you play music soft enough not too keep you awake, but strong enough to push away you're mind. who says this is perfection, everything is just an object made from atoms made from different numbers of electrons. whose to say something is perfect. whose to say we are insane. maybe you're insane. maybe it doesnt exist. maybe nothing really exists. maybe that would be perfection. i you cant reach the final idea in one direction why dont you turn around and go for the exact opposite. theres always soemthing to be sad about, if you're happy 90% of the time thereas always that 10% you cant have a eprcentage of 0.you said we are different because we notice the things that arent perfect, we notice mroe than beauty and love. well what if we can find beauty in the things that are so far gone. maybe that makes us better. ive learnt never to ask someone what is wrong with them. they either dont want to tell you, or you're just going to disapoint them. the msot comforting thought is that your're going to be okay. but then what. youre not going to be okay. the perfect people, they find some way to destruct, if you cant improve youve got to destruct. maybe we should ignore the drug adicts and the homeless and watch the young children growing up in stable homes, which enough money and go to school smiling. everyones supposed to learn from their mistakes, so why should we bother stopping them. if you dont remember what it was like to be in love, how do you know you were. if you dont remember what it was like to spend all night shaking, with your mind constantly replaying , maybe thats why we arent careful, maybe thats why we still believe in the concept of love. to love is for things to hrut that little bit more. and you thought sex was bad. if someoen makes you happy, they can make you sad, if someone can save you, well they are responsible for your life. do you really want to answer that phone call. do you really want to ring them in the first place. and after all this. after all the emotions, after all the pain, you're just one person out of 6 billion. how nice. how humbling, how insignificant. why lie. if you hurt10 people theres stll 6 billion more. we're over populated anyway. and at the end of all of this i dont mean it. i thought i would tell mel but mel and all my mother friends is in the county jail something that hurts you well someone else wont care. and if you cna get enough people to care its only going to last 60 more years. nothing is the end of the world. and if it is why does it matter