i hate

how nothing is the same as it was a while back
i have nothing that i can truely count on as knowing
or recognising
or feeling safe in
and truth be told it scares the shit out of me
how people can change so much
tastes can change so much
opinions and beliefs can change so much

is it so fucking wrong that i want to start everything over again
cause if i can introduce myself as a new person
not the person that carries all old mistakes, regrets and memories
something will have changed
its will just be different, the truth as it is now
constistant
i can learn to live a new way
how i want now
blowing your face up syndrome baby
you can make up your past for all i care dollface
'hi i used to be [insert lie]'
as long as the present is right
the futures gonna fit in the end
and you can keep running every time somehting changes
to spare your self from pretending
and explaining
moving on
and letting go
xo

........

just pack your fucking bags and leave
leave to anywhere your sacred money can get you
it could be as dark and black as the canvassing eyes he closes
but it sure as hell contains a little more electric than where you are
along with the 'mess of insecurities', and the confusment of your very own mind
you can only find comfort in the things, the places, the people you really know you shouldnt
and anything that could fix things for longer than a heartbeat
well they are busy
and its blatent that they dont care
and if they do, they cant hear
they're picture fucking perfect lifes create a loud hum that fills their hearing ranges
no your stuck babydoll
youve known it for a while
nowhere to go, where your ats fucking unbearable
convince me its worth it
go on i fucking dare you
bet youd love that baby
look if im gonna live for the future, the futures gotta be fresh
and its not. theres nothing i can do about it
as much my fault as ' its not my fault i make plans every night' thanks a fucking lot my sister
mmhum
shut off the neon lights they are sucking away my soula nd vibe
xo

sweetie dont cry i know

that icy cold barrier or salty water fall in front of me, forged by tears
its pentrable but a charge of energy just behind it spikes my fingers past
only amounts of alcohol, panic attacks and grimy alleys break that charge and for an hour let me cling on, just untill i know things are going to be safe for at least a night. then the tears dry up and even my breath cant reach you
your not fucking alone
your not the only fucking one
yes you have specifics
but its like some fucking formula that you fit in
your not misunderstood
and its not okay to keep on running
i thought we had that down
this is so fucking blatent
and yes it is your own fault
it wasnt to start off with
but it is now
we all do it honey
cling onto it becuase it makes us feel we have a reason to feel like this
babydoll, i fucking understand
remember that okay
and 'to write love on her [fucking] arms'
have a little faith
please
just this once
you know everything you need to save you
and you want everything so fucking bad
but theres one fucking second where you think no, this is what makes me alive
and babydoll... everyone has that to an extent
and you may just be the reason i have lost so many things
but friends fucking stick around when they are pushed away
just incase you trip and fall faster
we can stop you from cracking your fucking head
bear that in mind dollface
its fucking manipulation
its fucking murder
its rape
its discrimination
and its just more medical fees
this is never getting to you
this is my way of 'giving you space'
its up to you to decide if your gonna let me
if you truely want it
but even if i break a fucking ankle your not gonna crack your head
im already scratched and shaking
its fucking unrequited
non mutualistic
parasitic
story of our fucking lives
and im not angry
and i was blind before i saw what i saw
deaf before i heard what i heard
the worlds a tough place baby
every day just knocks you further into decay
until your 85 before your twenty
youve felt everything the world can give
and your loosing all your senses
slowly weakend by breathing
living is the slowest form of suicide
the sickest and the weakest and the most afraid stick it out
because they are afraid to loose anything they have
and baby im one of them
i never want to drag that salt into wounds [cliche]
babes ' the first cut is the deepest'
you truely wanna make things bad
?
didnt think so
the first step is as shakey as your last
the ones in the middle count just as much
please experience counts babydoll
and cause i believe in it so much
let us write love on your fucking arms
kay
xo

babydoll

how many times have you crushed someone and not even known
or been to caught up in yourself to care
dont pretend you dont regret it
that you think its okay
i know you know its not
or you should
ly
xo


I can see it in your eyes,you're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
And baby we can chase away these fears
Because sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose
[And] I'll run
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
[And] I'll run
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home
I can hear it in your voice, you care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
And baby I'm here to make this right
Because sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose
[And] I'll run
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
[And] I'll run
This is wear we both break free
I'll bring you home
Believe me and don't think twice
[And] don't leave me or say goodbye
Believe me, believe me tonight
If you have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
If you have a little faith in me



Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

some of my favorite lyrics ever
xo

and i

and i'm grateful for the strength of the coffee
how it stops me from shutting my eyes and handing over control
the heat how it burns past my tongue down my throat and anywhere further
and tis never cold enough and if it is it isnt hot enough

if i leave this fucking town, if i escape for just a week
i know theres a chance there will be no one waiting when i get back
cause the truth is no-one really cares
its the truth
and it makes me not want to care

seriosuly
no-one will be waiting
xo

humm

the light has left my eyes, they no longer reflect anymore
idont remember
no matter how much emotion anyone shows im not about to react
i promise
everythign is just empty i assure you
and i dont even blame anyone
i blame myself
for not knowing enough about the world to know that manipulators, users and abusers are the only ones who ever mean anything
' youve gotta learn to break her heart'
i dont feel a thing

beautiful regrets
xo

...

even words have preferences baby

and at that moment i am glad i wasnt alone

cause you wouldnt be the only one with a specific regret
xo

<3

theres one thing i need you to know:
no matter how close you hold someone
with the rain entangeling your hair, tears mixing in contrastingly warm against the equally stinging cold rain
regardless of how ever many times you whisper 'i love you' 'i'll never let go' reassurances under baited breath
hands clutching arms, waists and any available body part
it only lasts as long as the alcohol baby
the things that truely matter, that stick are the things you never share
how secretly you ponder ever word they ever wrote
you cry at night cause youre so daym scared, and you know your the only one
when youve said something it is oh so easy to forget, youve given it to someone else partitioned and divided the weight and the memorys as evidence, its less weight to forget.
yet we always share the good things
keep secret what we are ashamed of
scream what we cant take any more

and yes one night we find our selfs in a darkened graphitied alley
broken breath, promises that you wont promise
reassurance
it will go unmentioned but we meant every single fuck word
i hold myself to it
i may never say anymore ill never let go
but i love you for everything and anything you are
and i just hope you read this
even if you dont, this is my contract

and just for the only person who will read this


sugar that morning you thought you ripped me away from sleep
but darling you were wrong
you tore away so much more
a hope
a fear
and here is to not breathing for one more year

manipulation at its finest...with the best intention

clingingontomaybeliftyouhigher
ly
xo

ineverloved

baby lets just pretend you can hear this
lets just pretend you care
i never intended for this to kick off in such a way
i never predicted it would too
i never thought it would remain so unknown
that no-one would even guess
no, sugar look into my eyes, dont cry
such an urgancy leaving me quoting lines
never gonna be able to express this to you
all the misleading words and rumours
the constant replacing and changing
still searching for what we dont know exists
do not go cold on me doll face, dont you dare
so many times this has been done before
the floor of that plane has worn away
the footsteps grinding it into dust
floating through the over watched horizon
no this isnt poetry, just some well put together lines
dont loose control of your muscles darling
i promise you everything ive ever learnt
no exchange, no compromise
just pure unsucessful graditude and devotion
your pupils show cyclic endings
of no hope and war zone assasination
god never planned this corruptuion
if your even gonna believe in that
honey your pupils are dialating
just listen to this one last murmering breath
your gonna end before the winter
and dollface im not sure ill make it to fall
...xo

101 yeah mann

i have seen the beauty in the bleak cold and motionless
looking out of my window everything natural is grey or a different shade of grey
but fuck that i dont care its still fucking beautiful
everything manmade is artifical and colourful and flashing. everything man made leads to destruction and distaster so why then can the grey and bleak not mean perfection and safety
god everything before we touched it is fucking beautiful
we never realise it
this is one of those moments of clarity, where everything feels okay. sure im not sure about love,what it is., but im okay with that. my family a little mad and annoying they are fucking perfect as i could hope for. i may be in the wrong place but its the fucking right time. and everything that i have ever felt, its only gonna help me in future.
and i know the world is a mess of drug addicts, sex addicts, alcoholics gamblers etc. but no matter how much war there is , violence in our very streets theres gonna be something just 5 minutes or 10 years off that will make you think fuck this theres more.
nothing perfect
but there will be soemthing/someone thats pretty daym close to it
fuckthis:D
xo

terms of endearment coated in the sarcasm of ice cold wit

good afternoon young hollywoood...

doll face your a fool if you believe the imagery
its as fake as the time i traced the welts in my hand
if it was true, trust me you would have no fucking idea
the beauty of not knowing what to say for yourself
with the regained breathing of swirling letters
and the regular heart beating of the dead straght lines


the epitimy of nail biting and swolen knuckles and eyes



[distortion in internet arrogance(your complaints make this worse)]
oh and watch thoose fucking fingers
sweetie you dont know the extent of the lies
the waters pouring over my reflection
ive lost before 3am cause im already shaking
my eyes not quite closing, loosing sight

just a wide eyed blackend dreamer
self contained in insecurities
tell me you still hear me scream
when i sing through misconceptions


you still hear me scream




i will not be posting in here for a while that was only extracts im closing things up and writing old school paper for now
adios
xo


oh and happy 100 ive made it this far

...

theres something about wide eyes thats vunerablitiy innocence and naivity. does it really exist in our shattered hearts. more than the charred edges of a misshaped piece of wood.
im about to witness the sunset but i lost all the prettiest pictures

and its so hard to look at..almsot unbearable becuase the distorted mishapend reality

from the radiators that were misnamed but heat up our little hearts to the freezing icy cold that keeps our pens flowing and our fingers moving. the fat doesnt really keep you warm. im coming in at the worst angel and its true that even after all this time we're never gonna understand even ourselves. everything is so predictible yet fucking cloudy and unclear. so lets go the the concert of a band we used to love and bring back the feelings we once had, the jacket that stops us from shaking. we trust them yet run away in tears in the darkest hours. they make us feel so safe when theyd never read the late night scribblings of a broken girl whilst the sun is closing down and the night sky is open for business. thank you for letting me belive youd take me hand. what will come first the medication or whoevers gonna hold your trembling heart. for once lets hope we're gonna live a second longer. but none more than we want no matter what time it is or whos christmas lights are the most spectacular the computers still gonna light us up. keep us addicted
those ten minute symphonys are so pleasuring
and everything fades from blue to indigo to violet oh so quickly
and the increased noise of sharpened breathing stops us living for just a moment
i promise i loved it for the few weekes it lasted
and ive wrote my fucking brains and mouth and heart out
thanksforfuckingeverything
xo

just wait for me so far away

you wont see me in any colour for a few days now. simply because there isnt any need in a world so burnt and unrelfective. and ive been missing out on the sunsets because they are basically too early. my speach has been ineloquent and my walls so brightly harsh they burn way past my eyes into my heart and make everything so much darker. everythings just a story of new hair, new lowers and old feelings. i couldn't hold onto you even if i wanted to. so the glow sticks gonna get smeared onto our faces and for a few seconds its silent in the noisiest rooms our hearts beating our lung breathing. and we're not quiet sure. we're not sure if our best friends are gonna make it through tomorrow night. our old lovers are gonna stay sane and productive. ourselfs are every going to sleep without music to send us that way. then the music snaps back and our hands are covered in ink thats only evidence of where theyve been in our semi consiousness. they leav a trail that shows the scars on our fathers minds. the unspoken secrets and times we just couldnt leave the safety of our own rooms. and the music is screaming into our brains and its hurt so fucking badly but its slwoing our heart rates and sending us possibly to sleep. you cant blame me for panicking right now cause i think you would too. and if shes right on that very edge that youve read about so many times, heart about listened to. your gonna be so fucking scared. because the hardest part is you know youve been there too,,,and your still fighting to crawl away from it. its fucking hard
more truth is i'm sick of not being involved. to quote " im trying to participate" because thats all that i need right now. you mightlive through the drugs that fake life. but thats all it is fake life like your fake smile. and you couldnt make things feel real for me because your as flat as thoose little arms that brake the necks and shoot the heads. slef destructive and mutualistic its clear that tis ripping to shreds in neat and tidy lines. oh and i knwo someone will enjoy it just as much as me . and this aint what you think i can predict that as easily as meteorology as clear as a smile to the camera with fake bulbs your never gonna take notice. you never truely look and thats heart breaking. i know you never want to care. i know i have a few more years before i can predict my date of death. and i may be a fucking hypocrite beucase of what i preech to you but somehow it seems different out loud than in my head. fucking this hypocrisy.
and it may be all blakc but my jeans have faded to grey along with the outer city skys. the spelling has faded to white and nothign ranges off of the scale of black to white. the musics pausing again.
for real its broke my ashed out heart. the tears keep leaving our very eyes and nobodys knows. its gonna stay that way

for real i dont know where id be without you
xo

oh and it seems that everything i ever felt has been transfered onto her. and i dont feel anything for him [thats you to someone]

thatmotherfucker:D

i dont know if youll ever read this, but i sure as hell hope you do

this girl shes fucking amazing. contrary to her belief i know her pretty daym well. and maybe thats because we go through everything the same way. just completly different things. you had the last word but id rather have the infinite word. i'd never be ashamed to have known you and ill always be fucking proud of you. because your dealing with it. and someday twenty years from now ill be telling someone who might need my help " god daymn it there was this girl, fucking amazing the things she dealt with" because you have the power to make me cry. not many people can do that without being mean. you make me realise my regrets just by saying i shouldnt regret. and all the things i tell you not to belive and that are fucked up. alot of them deep down i hold so close.

god we are so fucking vunerable.
i could do with someone like you right now....but thats not your job.

thankyousofuckingmuch

ill never be ashamed of you because whenever you were aware you were there for me. you never intentionally let me down. im so fucking proud

and i normally dont write about my friends but this girl deserves it. truely
xo